Do I Need to Define Atheist For You

The Chemistry.com fun isn't over yet friends. My subscription still has a few days on it. Long enough for this gem.

Now that I've hit the "resigned" button more guys seem to be noticing me. Oh Chemistry.com. You are so wacky. Someone today felt we should be a match. Here is what he says about himself:

In His Own Words

"im a christian man,looking for a christian woman to share the word, and pray. also to enjoy life and have a good time while being saved. also to fellowship togather enjoy eachothers company share revelation knowlegde and testimonies."

As you know under "religious beliefs" I've stated I'm an Atheist so this guy obviously didn't read any of my profile. That's fine. Most people just look at the pictures. I do find it odd that besides his lack of grammar and spelling skills he felt deeply enough to write this and yet market his religious beliefs as "spiritual but not religious." You want to make a bet?

Do I Know You?

I received the following email from a Match.com user:

"hi

hi Wendy:

how are you? I am a member now:)"

Doesn't it seem like he knows me? Like he signed up so he could talk to me? I scratched my head and wondered if I was missing something so I went through my old emails on the system and I don't think I've ever communicated with him ... ever. I don't know how to respond.

"I'm good. Good for you."

"Okay. Welcome to membership."

"Fine. Want to go for a jogg?" (Spelling taken from his profile. I figure it would be best to speak his language.)

"I'm doing well. Good for you. Way to fill out a profile. I'm proud of you!"

"Great. Finally! Thank God. Do you want to get married now?"

I think all those responses are appropriate.

Visual

Per my post yesterday I've cancelled my Chemistry.com membership. If you have read this blog at all you know why. Still some may think I'm being a bit harsh on the system. For you people I decided to give you a visual. Above are just a few of the 259+ men who I have shown interest in and never heard from ... ever. That is right. I "showed interest" (meaning I passed them to the next level in the silly database) in over 259 men and not one of them decided to contact me back.

Sounds like really bad odds to me!

Resigned --- Totally

I was 1/2 through my "matches" on Chemistry.com today and thought ENOUGH. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. So I hit the "resign" button. My subscription ends mid October and then I'm done with Chemistry. I've been a member since 2007 with just a handful of dates. So goodbye.

The one who is most hurt by this separation is you. Most of my "funny" profiles and comments came from Chemistry.com. Even so, I can't go on. For my sanity I have to resign and move on. I'm sure I can find poor souls unable to spell other places.

Speaking of where should I sign up now? I need a site to fill the void of Chemistry. what do you think?

Him? What? Wait a second.

My profile on the online dating sites is very clear. It states "Woman seeking Man." Not that there is anything wrong with any other combination of these words, that is what mine says. So, obviously, the people who come up as matched to me by Chemistry.com are men. Those who I pass on to the next level (showing I'm interested) are men. From there we can email back and forth and/or play silly Chemistry, get to know you, reindeer games. Explain then this email I just received from some gentleman?

(This spacing is straight from his original letter. Signs of a bad cut and paste job.)

"Hello Dear,You have a lovely profile.Was actually caught up by you and to my satisfaction, i was really amazed when i set my eyes on this astonished pic of

yours, You look pretty,didnt hesitate to send you a letter . I hope it didnt bug you somehow? I am single and never married with no Kids. I am looking to

meet that special someone but so far havent found one yet. I know Good things deserves patience, so in otherwords, I am not in any rush. Just searching and

been optimistic hoping one day he will come take me off my feets..lol...I feel quite delighted hearing from you and writing this to you. I joined this

website few days back and i realized most of the profiles have read haven't been that impressive compared to yours,so i thought i should know a little more

about your unique and differences from other Men. Getting to find true love is kinda getting harder as the day goes by as almost everybody i come across

wants that good time just having sex and notwanting true love, True love don't Lie,it knows no Boundary,its like a seed that Germinates and once it is

planted,it extends it branches beyond a limit of attach Women behavior towards racism,Custom and tradition, I am Originally from Cali but have always want a

life anywhere love takes me or some Natural state place, i will be willing to relocate for that special man for me and settle down to start a new life

together, If you want to talk to me, My email is xxx[email address edited for the privacy of this moron] at yahoo,


so you will have to know that its:
xxx[edited again because that is how dumb this person is]@yahoo.com


Pls do keep in touch if you've got a chance.I will be anxiously waiting to hear from you, send me a reply on my email alone cos i am not used to this Yahoo

personals site.

I hope you will keep in touch. "

I wrote back suggesting they double check the sex of the person they are spamming with their bullshit prior to hitting the send button. I'd like to think that little comment will ruin their day but I doubt they care.

Short of Words? Are you sure?

E-mail I received from someone Chemistry.com matched me up with. Please note I do not know this man, have never met this man, have never emailed this man. THIS is his first communication with me ... ever.

"i found you as one of my match on this site and i thought i should say hi,I have read your profile,all i can say is that i would like to share more than words and make something work with the heart also...really can't wait to have a chat with or email you,let me know if you very much single and if you have found anyone yet on here ?
I like the friendship, passion, intensity and eroticism that develops and flourishes with someone special in the chemistry and the connection feels exactly --- I think this is the key to making any relationship more fun, exciting and durable .... and I love to spoil, pamper and enjoying that one special woman in my life! ... I am a big friend, companion, partner, confidant, mentor and benefactor
I wish i could be invited to your place for coffee or tea to make you cookies,i love baking a lot,cause i am having some right now,i can add you on IM if you have one you can also add me on your own IM******oo.com you can add me now or drop me an offline when i on break from work i would check my IM for your messages okay..
so sorry i can't write much now i am short of words now !!!!!!
sure you are having a great day
bye
David "

Now you may think I am being too harsh and/or hard on this guy. BUT really he is being sort of creepy don't you think? What happened to a nice short and non creepy opening email? Something like,
"Hi. I really liked your profile. I'd love to meet for drinks sometime this week if you are available. Let me know."
Is that really too much to ask?

With the Bar Set That Low Is it Even a Bar Anymore?

Last night I received an email from a friend and fellow online dater. The email contained a lengthy correspondence from a gentleman at match.com interested in her. It was pretty bad. The guy was obviously insane. A very lengthy email, honestly I didn't read the entire thing, about him looking for his soul mate and willing to move anywhere she is located. Something about getting his heart broken. Something about if you aren't into marriage don't even respond. Blah blah blah. Crazy crazy crazy. Blah blah blah.

Yet my response to her was:
"Yeah. That's a good one. At least he can spell though."

AT LEAST HE CAN SPELL. That is what I've been driven to. That now overshadows anything else that could possibly be wrong. AT LEAST HE CAN SPELL. THAT is how low the bar is.

Probably on a strong cocktail of prescription medication for his multiple personalities --- AT LEAST HE CAN SPELL.

Worships at the feet of Tom Cruise and an alien ship ---AT LEAST HE CAN SPELL.

May have women tied up in his basement --- AT LEAST HE CAN SPELL.

His ex-wife has a hit out on him and/or a restraining order --- AT LEAST HE CAN SPELL.

He is a cat person and thinks dogs are evil --- AT LEAST HE CAN SPELL.

He still lives with him parents but has the garage set up to rock his large collection of video games --- AT LEAST HE CAN SPELL.

Sigh.

How? Who? Whatever.

One of today's Chemistry.com matches.

In his own words:
"I'm an easy going person how likes to meet new and exceting people. i like teking long drive by the beach.. and i also enjoy going to the movies with friends..and dinning out...... I'm lokking for someone who is honest... how undrstand what love should be... someone how is willing to love and be loved.. Someone how enjoy life and everthing around them.. someone how is easy to talk to about abything.."

How Many Times do People Introduce Themselves as Maverick to You?

There is nothing wrong with this guy Chemistry.com feels I should date. Nothing that will stop me from hitting the "i'm interested" button, so that's what I'll do. Nothing short of the fact that his name is Goose and he apparently only gets his picture taken while he is on the golf course.

In his own words:
"Hi and thanks for visiting my Profile. My name is Goose and live in Los Angeles, California. I'm an Irish American, and currently an Investment Banker for a major International Investment Banking firm, in the Century City Regional office, I was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois, and received my B.S. Degree from Bradely University. I received my Masters Degree in Economics from the University of Southern California, in Los Angeles.

I have many interests, with golfing my favorite having a single digit handicap, along with traveling, working out and swimming. I have traveled all over Asia and Europe. I'm affable, intelligent, kind, humorous, generous, outgoing, affectionate, and just a fun and decent man.

I'm seeking a partner to share my life with me. If you have any interest in becoming acquainted as friends first, please contact me. Thanks and take good care. "

GOOSE.

GOOSE?

GOOSE!

I simply do not believe that his parents gave him that name. There has to be some sort of Top Gun story behind that right? Something that happened in college and then he thought was cool so stuck with it? Why Goose? Why not Iceman or Maverick? I mean Goose was charming and was with the adorable Meg Ryan but doesn't he die? Who chooses his nickname as the dead guy?

I'm going to stop what I'm doing right now and email my friend who is due in 3 weeks and suggest Goose as the baby's name. Just to hear her response.

GOOSE?!?

And I'm not kidding about sending him on to the next level. He can spell and has a grasp of the English language. Goose or no Goose he's a catch.

What does "?" mean?

From one of the guys chemistry.com feels I should date:

In his own words - "im a open minded fun man love to go to the beach walks or abike ride looking for ? im open im willing to try new thangs looking to find a life parttner to build a nice life with looking forward to it ."

His occupation - " kustom car builder"

Chills - Not Good Ones

I'm sure this guy that Chemistry.com feels I will be a good match with doesn't mean to be creepy when he explains himself like this. But he is. He's creepy.

"Am looking for a woman who is willing to love me with all her heart soul and body...one who doesnt lie or will treat me badly..if u fit this..then we can start out with dinner,movie or ball game or shopping..but once we fine chemistry there is no turning back..can u handle me...my hearts on fire..need someone who can take away....We can began after I get back from Ghana."

What are the Chances?

See these two guys? They have the same exact profile. Same odd headline. Same description of themselves including the following statements:

"I am a very sensual person, who loves to touch and be touched. "

"I have a passionate core and would appreciate a woman with the same. "

"I am open to living within any culture around the world as long as they respect men and their value to society"

The big difference? One guy you wouldn't mind being touched by and the other would only touch you to kill you. I realize that I broke my rule of never posting a guys picture on my blog since they didn't sign up for that. BUT this guy(s) is obviously hiding something, or someone, or has the magic power to morph into two different people.

Okay. You Keep Telling Yourself That

From one of today's Chemistry.com matches whose profile proudly says he is a 36 year old male living in Santa Monica.

"I'm kind, compassionate and loving, yet I'm a "total Dude" who loves sports, working as a sculptor and volunteering for The Make A Wish foundation. I'm 46 not 36, I lowered my age so I wouldn't show up in too many searches, Not ashamed of my age, because age is just a number to me, it all depends on the person and their life's experiences. "

OOOOkay. That's the story we are going with huh? Okkkkkkaaaaay buddy. So you are telling me you think there is a HUGE rush of people searching out 46 year olds? Sooooo much more demand, in general, for 46 year olds than 36? Has nothing to do with you being misleading or you not wanting to date women your own age.

I'm cool with that logic. I'll happily start telling people I'm 26.

PS. You are an asshat.

I'm So Sad

Chemistry has AGAIN matched me up with this ass - (click here for previous blog). ARE YOU KIDDING ME. ARE .... YOU ... KIDDING ... ME.....????!!!

The only difference is that this time he has a picture up (well he has two pictures up BUT IT IS THE SAME PICTURE BECAUSE HE IS AN IDIOT) so now I know what he looks like. He looks like Jimmie Walker from Good Times. BUT without the Good Times. In fact he is very very somber and will most likely kill a number of his wives, if he hasn't already.

That's the last straw. Chemistry.com is getting a strongly worded letter from me on this!

Shoot. We Were Perfect Until You Made "CLEAN" a Requirement

Someone Chemistry.com feels I would like to date:

Hi my name is Richard my hobbies are family,fishing,movies,dinning out,walks,outdoors.Im getting straight to the point im also send me ur email adresses loyal,passionate,trusting,commitment,no head games,no drama,hate cheaters,liers,want to be loved and love,morels,life partner,sensual,a freak in bed,honesty,loyality,God fearing,and open mind about different things,compassionate,loving,beautiful women or a cute women i tend to like the very cute ones,respect,walks and talks,laugh and likes to do so i love humor,understanding,like public public affection,holding hands,passion,NO DRAMA PLEASE, and thats about what im looking or in a WOMEN and LADY that also as here head together ,and it is (email address removed to protect the innocent and stupid) if im this way i except my women to be the same.I want a sexy,foxy very cute women,ill be your protector,best friends,know what she is doing in bed (a must)a clean women,a women that has the same qualities i have and more.Please no head games or drama if that is you don't contact me,a women that likes the simple things in life and the complex things as well,she must stand by my side and love life because its to short.So if this is you please contact me and live in the Canoga Park ,California "

I'm going out of a limb here and thinking this "cute one" must also love poor grammar and a lack of periods and capital letters.

Maybe it will be Simplier if You Tell me What Love Isn't

Oh Chemistry your failure today is mind blowing.

His headline - I need someone who will love me noting but love .

In his own words - Love can be everything. My love is true. Love is unpredictable. Love is uncontainable. Love is reliable. Love is infallible. Love is right . Love is wrong. Love is weak. Love is strong. Love is good. Love is pure. Love is real. Love is sure. Love is jealous. Love is pain. Love is lost Love is gained Love is naked Love is raw Love is everything Love is all Love is here Love is there Love is beautiful Love is fair Love is great. Love is shit. Love is hate, Love is demanding. Love is it....Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, While loving someone deeply gives you courage. ? ? ?

Why is that a question? There are most definitely a number of run on sentences in there but I don't see any questions. Certainly not one that justifies three question marks.

God Makes You Regular?

I actually almost passed this guy on to my "I'm interested" list even though his profile is SCREAMING of red flags. That is until I read this:

• About His Religious Background: Am a good christian having fear of God in my life, i dont joke with church and regular even when am sick.

That is the red flag that pushed me over the edge. No need to continue. It won't work. Chemistry.com once again you failed.

So Someone Who Can Relax? Are you sure?

Chemistry.com feels I should date this guy:

"MY NAME IS GABRIAL IM LOOKING FOR A FEMALE WHO I CAN KICK BACK RELAX CHILL OUT RELAX HAVE FUN GO OUT WITH SPEND TIME WITH PARTY HAVE A GREAT TIME GO TO A MOVIE RELAX AT HOME WORK GET TO KNOW THAT SPECIAL PERSON.AND I DON'T WANT NO GAMES I WANT SOME ONE WHO IS HONEST ABOUT THEM SELVES AND ARE WILLING TO TAKE RISKES AND LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST "

I don't feel like my Type A personality will fit well with Mr. Relax. Sorry Chemistry.com. Once again you fail.

Honest Question - How Do These People Find Jobs?

From one of today's Chemistry matches:

• About His Religious Background: hello i am Daniel by name and i am easy going and generous and kind person i like to make every body around me to happy i wish i can express my self more than this hope to see my type very soon?

• In his own words: in the future I wish to have an amicable and strong family. In mine
  Lives were the woman and our relations lasted almost 3 years. It was frivolous to me and ours
  Relations are finished. Now I in search. I wish to meet sincere, kind, serious
  The woman. I search for the woman whom could grow fond. I could be very gentle with it. To me
  Very much it would be desirable to have children. I hope, my dreams of a happy family become a reality. I
  I will be fair with you. I do not wish to spend time in vain for any games or chatter.

His profile also says he is an engineer. HOW? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? How did the same person who wrote this go to school, get a degree, and then get a job? HOW?

It also says he is widowed so I'm going to go ahead and make the leap and assume he is a killer.

Telling It Like It Is

Some people are dipshits. There isn't a word in the English language that is better suited for them ... DIPSHITS. For example the a**holes that sat around and decided to put together the profile above and send me a wink. The only thing truthful about this profile is that the person(s) live in Santa Monica. There is a large concentration of dipshits in Santa Monica. This isn't an opinion. It's a fact. Ask anyone. Dipshits.

I emailed them back (I assume it is a gaggle of dipshits who did this not one lone dipshit) and asked how they could possible have so much time to waste on their hands. Then I blocked them and turned them into Match.com for being dipshits. So I guess I'll never know the answer to my question.