WTF Indeed!

Dear random guy on Chemistry.com. Just because I did not immediately write you back does not mean you have to get all crazy with it and send me an email titled, "WTF" with no text in the body of the message.

WTF indeed!

I ignored, deleted and blocked. Now that I think about it I should have wrote back in the headline BD. Then in the body of the text, "Translated: Bullet Dodged."

Counting is Fun! - Edit

Okay I thought of another great character. Cameron Tucker from Modern Family. Much like Barney ever scene he is in I'm laughing. That actor is a comic genius.

Now I have to bump someone from my original list. Sorry Hodgins ... you're out!

Counting is Fun!

I love end of the year countdowns and lists. ADORE THEM! I'm not sure why. No matter the topic I have an opinion and will happily share it with anyone who will listen. I've even been known to watch end of the year list countdowns on ESPN and honestly I couldn't tell you if I even have access to that channel any other time of year.

So! I decided to make my own end of year top 10 list of the best (aka my favorite) TV characters of 2009. Now I realize it doesn't make sense to compile this list mid network season but I don't care. I also freely admit I stole this idea from someone on Twitter who, with ties to the industry, was probably more qualified to make this list than I am. Still, with hours of programing currently recorded on my DVR I'm confident in my opinion on this matter.

#10. Dr. Jack Hodgins from Bones.
Honestly he almost got bumped by the son in Cougar Town but he made it so there you go. I really like the show Bones which is odd since I find the main female character horrifically annoying. I give full credit to Hodgins. Although I liked him better when Angela and him where "doing it."

#9. Sarah Walker from Bothers and Sisters.
Her character is just tragic. It hurts my heart. If you can watch an episode of Brothers and Sisters without crying you are dead inside.

#8. Michael Western from Burn Notice.
Come on! The ultimate bad boy who does good. "Somebody needs you Michael." Yah. Me.

#7. Hardison and Parker from Leverage.
I realize it is cheating having this spot shared by two characters but they kinda come as a pair and it's my list so I'll do what I want! I love all the characters on Leverage but these two are my favorite. He is crazy smart and she is super skilled --- in the art of the con (is that how you spell that? Seems wrong.). Again bad guy/gal who does good. I say recipe for success!

#6. Kendall Cho from The Mentalist.
Okay I admit it. I had to look up this characters name. I usually just refer to him as the Hot Stoic Asian Dude. This is pretty high on the list for a character whose name I don't know but EVERY time I watch The Mentalist I say out loud, "I love that Hot Stoic Asian Dude." So there you go! I actually do love all the characters on this show especially Lisbon but Kendall still takes top honors. Watch the show. You honestly want to tell me they'd get anything done without him? He is calm, cool, and collected and knows more about law and life than the other 2 lower detectives combined. (I liked the "2 lower detectives" aka Grace & Rigsby, better when they weren't "doing it".) Without him they would fail. And who wants a fake government agency failing? Not I!

#5. Dr. Gregory House from House.
HOW CAN HOUSE NOT MAKE YOUR LIST? You heard me so called "TV person" who wrote that list I am blatantly stealing the idea of. HOW? I love that show and I'll tell you this much it isn't for any of the other annoying spineless characters. It's all about House, all the time! A brilliant character who you should despise and yet love due to his wit and extreme intelligence (gross Moody from Californication could take some tips from him).

#4. Cappie from Greek.
That's right a character from ABC Family made it on my list. Have you watched Greek? No. Then zip it and stop judging. Cappie is an adorable loser whose heart is bigger than the Grinch's at the end of that story (after the growth spurt). My friend, the only other person I know who watches the show, agrees that the fictional Cappie should stop futzing around at college and just marry me! We can have jello shots at the reception.

#3. Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother.
Again didn't make that other list making that other list invalid. How I Met Your Mother is often times seconds from being unwatchable. The lead male character is so annoying I'm shocked none of the other fictional characters just don't off him and end his misery. BUT NEVER FEAR. BARNEY IS HERE. How can a character that is so disgusting and such a male chauvinist be so lovable? Comedy. That's my answer. Even when he is saying nothing and almost out of the shot he is who I watch because his reaction is funnier than whoever is the focus of the scene ... always!

#2. Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.
One Sheldon line can explain my love for him, "That’s not a reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example I cry because others are stupid and that makes me sad." Ha! How can you not love him? I have also recently learned that the actor who plays Sheldon, Jim Parsons, is older than me so I can actually love him without some dimwit calling me a cougar. (May be my top pet peeve of the moment. The next guy who calls me a cougar and then follows it up with, "Why are you angry? That's a compliment." I'm going to call a pot bellied pig. When they look hurt I'll add, "What, it's a compliment. I hear they are very loyal and make lovely pets.")

#1. Drum roll please ....
Mary Shannon from In Plain Sight.
That's right! A list over run by men is topped by a woman. As it should be! With an honorable mention to her partner Marshall, Mary is easily my favorite character on TV over the past year. Why you ask? Simple. She is me. Honestly. Watch the show. She is me. Go to Hulu right now and watch --- http://www.hulu.com/search?query=in+plain+sight&st=0. You wont be disappointed!

Honorable mention to Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. ST:TNG has to be in reruns on some channel somewhere and Picard should ALWAYS make any TV character list. When I get married I plan for Patrick Stewart to do the honors but instead of saying, "I now pronounce you man and wife." he will say, "engage" (with the hand gesture). It's going to be glorious! You just wait!

That's all folks! Although I reserve the right to edit this list as I think of others ...

Sent From Where?

When I send messages via my iPhone there is a templatized sign off that says "Sent from my iPhone." Some people choose to take that message off. Probably to try and fool their boss into thinking they are at their desk working vs. off shopping or something equally as non-worky. I choose to leave it on. The main reason is my lack of skill on the mini iPhone keyboard is shocking. That paired with my lack of spelling skills equals nothin' but pure email comedy. If you don't know, the iPhone will often try and predict what word you are typing and if you aren't paying close attention (and I never am) then your message is often littered with odd nonsensical words. The ending message, that I am typing and sending the email by phone (vs a human sized keyboard and computer), gives my readers the security that I'm not having a stroke but instead they need to do some iPhone to human translation.

My super creative friend Martha has revised her ending message to say, "sent from my bra." HA! HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE THAT? I giggle every single time I read it. I'm angry that I can't do something equally fun and creative since I often use my iPhone to write work messages. Of course Martha uses her iPhone email for work and yet, somehow, it seems totally acceptable when coming from her!

What would my email sign off be if I was as creative and free as Martha?

* Sent from your butt.
* Sent from my butt.
* Sent from the middle ring (of the three available).
* Translated from Riggins thoughts.
* Sent from deep within the Rabbit's hole.
* Sent while climbing a crazy large beanstalk.
* Sent from a yet to be named planet.
* Sent from A Beautiful Mind.
* Sent from a keyboard designed for fairies and small elves.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Cutier Than any Baby

Okay loyal readers (all three of you). I may have had a day yesterday that quickly spiraled out of control and ended with the need for a box of tissues. I'm shaking it off and moving forward. My mini-breakdown came for no specific reason. Just an overall boringly crappy day. It started with me having to work when I'd much rather be off the week before X-Mas playing with friends and family. It wasn't helped by the horrific holiday traffic and level of stupid being shown by humanity. This alone lead me to throw a fit so horrific the poor man at the parking structure in Pasadena had no choice but to allow me to pass without paying the required fee. The residents of my hood where no help as they took up all block space leaving me no room for my garbage cans at the curb not to mention cutting my driveway entrance in 1/2. (Day before trash day is always a coin toss as the drive down the street leads to the question, "will there be room for my trash cans today?" The answer is almost always, "nope.")

The one bright shinning light of my day was the delivery of my "sneak peak" of the pictures I had taken of Riggins of me. That was tarnished with the self discovery that I wouldn't be able to share this pictures with many others as it would only cause discussion and rumors (on my behalf but not necessarily to my face) about why I don't have a boyfriend/husband. Just add it to the list folks. It was started by others before you long ago. You can nestle it right there between, "doesn't cook" and "has short hair". (BTW my hairdresser once told me when she meets a guy the first thing she asks is if he likes women with short hair. If his answer is anything but positive she walks away. Ha! She is so cool!) Here are my, admittedly, over dramatic points as to why I now own professional photos of my dog and me:
* I don't have super gorgeous photos from my wedding day looking all shinny and happy.
* I don't have adorable pictures of my children in all their cuteness.
* No husband and no children does not mean I don't f*ing deserve some g*dd*mn professionally pretty photos too --- so suck it!
(I apologise for my outburst and unlady like language. It all started yesterday. I couldn't be stopped. I screamed curse words I've never heard before. It was impressive. I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I have tourettes. It worked though ... the car blocking my driveway was "magically" moved forward.)

BUT I will happily share my sneak peak with you --- enjoy. http://fusarophotography.com/blog/2009/12/riggins-sneak-peak/

I may consider it the best money I've ever spent!

Up In The Air

To mix things up instead of reviewing a movie and giving you my thoughts on acting, plot, writing, and directing I'm going to share with you the thoughts I had prior to watching Up In The Air at the Americana at Brand this weekend.

* Is going to a mall the weekend before X-Mas just to see a movie a good idea?
* Hey. Parking wasn't bad! I still say whoever put this "two merging lane twisty" parking garage entrance in Glendale was an extreme optimist or didn't know the lack of driving/merging skills of the Glendalians.
* (As I stepped off of the last escalator) Good lord. Where did all these people come from? It's like god threw up humanity all over this place. I can see the light of the theatre. Let me through ...
* NO LINE AT THE AUTOMATED TICKET MACHINES --- MERRY X-MAS TO ME INDEED!
* NO LINE AT THE CONCESSION STAND. IT'S LIKE MY OWN LITTLE X-MAS MIRACLE!
* Good, not that many people so no one will sit by me.
* (A few minutes later ...) I said no one would sit by me. No one would sit by me. Don't sit by --- damn it.
* That Benihana's commercial makes me giggle every time. Makes me giggle and want to drink mixed cocktails from a Buddha mug!
* The creative agency who made the National Guard spot deserves some sort of award. It is mighty powerful. I would never join any armed (or non-armed) forces. Honestly it would take about 1 hour before I started a one woman coup and went AWOL. AND EVEN I get 1/2 way through that spot and want to scream, "where do I sign up?" You know what they should do? They should hand out sign up sheets and little miniature golf pencils as you walk into the theatre and then have army guys stationed at the end of each aisle and the second you sign and date the paper they sweep in and grab it from you before you come to you senses and eat the evidence.
* Good thing this Walmart/Coke spot is seasonal because it annoys me. They should get the creative shop that the National Guard uses to look this thing over.
* I'd date Alec Baldwin. I mean he is old and crazy but doesn't he look like he would be fun for a couple dates? You know before super crazy kicks in.
* What movie am I here to see again? Oh right.
* I bet I'd be good at George Clooney's character's job in this flick. I mean his life looks lonely and horrible ... hence the movie and all the award buzz around it (you don't get award buzz unless something is tragic) ... so I'm not saying I want that job I'm just saying I might be good at it. If this was High School and I was taking that test that tells you what you could be good at "when you grow up" I bet you money my test results would head closer to "lay off people" than "school teacher".
* Apparently there are no unattractive people in whatever town Valentine's Day is filmed in.
* Okay why am I the only person laughing out loud at the Death at a Funeral trailer? That movie looks hysterical.
* Seriously what did I come here to see again? Oh right. Clooney.
* Was From Paris with Love filmed in 1982 and is just now coming out? What is with the crappy production quality. Did they do that on purpose to look all "arty" ... sigh ... I bet they did ... sigh.
* Hey! Leonardo DiCaprio is finally beginning to look older than 18. Good for him!
* MOVIE'S STARTING. WOOOOO HOOOOOOO!

I Got Somethin' You Can Hold

Over the past couple months I've become addicted to an exercise class called The Bar Method. Before I start detailing the hell on earth that I pay to endure let me start with the positives.

* By far the NICEST human beings on the planet. Crazy nice. The two owners, every teacher, adorable "boys" who check in and take care of everything. ADORABLY NICE. It makes me feel horrible that I'm so unskilled at what they are attempting to teach me.

* Damn it if you don't see results. Torture = results. Honestly if I didn't see changes in my body (like the joy I get when I have to say, "sorry just a sec my pants are falling down") I'd never go back.

* Pasadena location = super duper nice.

Okay now the cold hard facts. I consider myself fit. Run 5K's often. Work out (really work out not wussy work outs) 5 days a week minimum. Hike on the weekends. Not pathetic "walks" at an incline. Take a look at the window. See that hill ... nah mountain? That. I climb that. I, wrongly, thought that the "girly" work out known as The Bar Method would be nothin'. Even with my complete lack of flexibility I'd still come out as the shinning star student. Right.

WRONG.

It's hard. And I don't mean "hard". I mean F*ing hard. F* F*ing hard.

From start to finish there isn't a part I'm not concentrating so hard I'm sweating. Each movement is so tiny and yet so horrifically painful. I appreciate the constant "cheering" from the teacher but in my head I often reply "F* off".

"Wendy good shaking."
"F*off."

"Wendy don't give up."
"F* off."

"Wendy leg higher. I know you can do it."
"F* off."

"Don't give up on the 'hold' ... and hold ... and hold ... and hold ..."
"F* off ... and F*off ... and F* off."

You get the point. AND THE SHAKING. If you aren't shaking you aren't working. Here's a test for you. Stand up with something (like a desk or chair) to hold balance with. Feet hip distance part. Go up on your toes. Higher. Higher. As my favorite instructor Maxx (2 the Maxx) would say, "the highest heels ever." Tuck your seats (aka tighten your butt in), bring your abs in (aka suck in your stomach). Comfy? Good. Now come down as far as you can (bend your knees) keeping that position with your flat back as Max would say, "like you are sliding down a wall." Comfy? Good. Now go down 2 inches lower. Now just go down a little and up a little with very controlled small movements. Comfy? Good. Now do that about 1 million more times. If you aren't shaking by the 3rd time then you are cheating. Go higher on those heels and lower to the ground.

That doesn't even touch things like push ups and non-stop curls and something that makes me shake just thinking about it called "the pretzel" ...

Remember when I said I'm fit. Throw that right out the window. I look like giant uncoordinated hippo when up next to the svelte ballerinas. I have to control myself from blurting out in the middle of class, "Oh yah Gumby? Well I can beat you in a 3.1 mile race so ... ha!"

As they say no pain no gain. And the non-flexible Wendy can now officially touch her toes. So I'm going to keep going and keep struggling to keep that internal F* you from coming out my mouth!

Aaaaaaahhhhh!

I give up. Done. Out. See ya. Men are morons (sorry you are --- all of you --- ALL OF YOU). I'm marring Riggins and living happily ever after. If that freak in Japan can marry a computer avatar I can marry my dog. It will probably be legal in CA before my gay friends can get married so take that Yes an Prop 8ers and shove that up where the sun don't shine. (http://features.csmonitor.com/innovation/2009/12/02/man-marries-video-game-girlfriend/)

Here are just a few things that have sent me jumping off the edge:

* Hey online daters. POST A PICTURE A HOLES. Seriously. POST A PICTURE. What is wrong with you? I am NOT going to suggest we meet for drinks if I haven't seen a picture. Call me shallow. Fine. I'm shallow. But I have about 5 pictures of me up there and does that seem fair? No. Stop being such a holes and post your picture.

* Take the douche photos off. I find it SERIOUSLY HARD TO BELIEVE that the only photo you have of you is with your shirt off. Really that's it? You live in a world without cameras and when you happen to see one you whip off your shirt, throw on your ray bans and strike your pose. That isn't hot. That isn't cool. That's douch-y. Might as well put that Ed Hardy shirt back on (I know that is what it is) and just move on from my cyber life.

* Hey guys old enough to be my dad or grandfather. I realize I would totally be brilliant arm candy but unless you have added the words, "rich and near death" and have a doctor and banker's note to prove it move along. I already admitted to being shallow so I don't feel I have to apologise for this statement.

Gone to the Dogs

Should I be horrified that this was the twitter list I was a part of yesterday? I'm not sure what the #WW hash tag means but after some research I think it is Woof Woof or Woof Wednesday or something with Woof in it. A doggie shout out if you will. I appreciate how all the names on the list have "dog" or "poo" (which is dog enough) in them but mine. Like I'm a closeted crazy dog person that Wisdom Panel was smart enough to sniff out.

I suppose it makes sense as the night before I was asking for suggestions on how to sneak wine into the dog park to make it more enjoyable. Maybe these are my wine drinking fellow dog lovers.

I'll assume that, embrace them, and start following them all.

Target is What I Expect Heaven to be Like

It is rare for me to randomly come across humanity being good --- where I'm involved. When I do I feel the need to share.

Today I left work early, due to chest pains (probably caused mostly by stress), to go pick up my meds at Target. There is a long story about that. Target rocks and I love getting my prescriptions there but, in general, their service is lame. They only have one supplier vs. the normal pharmacy which has 3. That means, more than once, I've had to "pick another prescription" or wait a very long time. Normally that isn't a HUGE deal but when it comes to life changing high blood pressure it can be an issue. Still I refuse to move to another pharmacy as it is Target and it's the only store on the planet I go to just to "have fun". So after a weekend of not being on a high enough dosage my meds finally came in.

As any BRILLIANT person would do after picking up her extremely potent blood pressure medicine I took the elevator upstairs (yup --- my Target is 2 stories. Boo ya! SEE WHY I LOVE IT?) to get a snack. Nothin' says intelligent like my need to take my blood pressure meds with a caffeinated soda and super salty popcorn. It's a combo at the snack bar. How do you expect me to pass that up? I'll just call it dinner to make it alright in my head. OF COURSE, since I was in a semi-hurry, there was only one person working the snack counter. Normally this would send me into a fit of furry rarely seen since the American Express incident of 2001 (don't deny my card --- seriously --- unless you want to taste blood), but I was trying to bring down my blood pressure so instead I just stood there silently taping my foot with my arms crossed. Then I realized (which also rarely happens as the person closes to me usually gets the full wrath of my hate) it wasn't this poor woman's fault that some moron called in sick and her idiotic managers have no actual skill to see there is an issue that requires them to take action. To this woman's credit I have NEVER seen the kind of glove on and offing, microwaving, cash registering, skills in action before. It was almost magic. And the group of hungry wolves crowding around her responded. I've seen people get physical in this line before. Not today. Today we were all under her charm as she carefully and skillfully multi tasked. Then it was my turn ... and she was starting to waver. It's like seeing a marathon runner stumble near the finish line. WE HAD TO HELP HER. WE HAD TO WALK OUT THERE AND PICK HER UP AND DRAG HER TO THE END. SHE COULDN'T GIVE UP. WE WEREN'T GOING TO LET HER. So after I ordered I brought the guy who ordered ahead of me his pretzel that was hot from the microwave just so she wouldn't have to leave her post to add "waitress" to her, already ridiculous amount of work. Then the Target rent-a-cop saw my effort and had a straw waiting for me when I went to get my heart stopping caffinated soda. I'd like to think we started a chain of love at the Target food court. That after I left the poor super multi-tasker didn't lose her shit and fall to the ground sobbing under the stress covered in liquid cheese and frozen hot dogs. I like to think that every new person who ordered helped someone else and together we brought peace and love to the worlds most perfect shopping location ... Target.

(It's perfection made only more obvious when I walked to the door and realized THERE IS A NEW "FRESH" FOOD SECTION. TAKE THAT MEAN PEOPLE AT WHOLE FOODS. I CAN NOW DO ALL MY SHOPPING IN THE LOVING ARMS OF THE RED AND WHITE!)

He is NOT a Lab. Take that back.

I've posted a number of online dating tips up for the guys. Here is one for the ladies --- "On a first date tone down the crazy." I realize that isn't specific enough to really help you or those wacky single ladies in your life but it is hard to be more specific. After all we each have our own level (some are mighty high) and tone of crazy.

Mine is easy to diagnose. If I want a higher probability of seeing a second date I have to lay off the Riggins talk. This is MUCH harder than it sounds. After all I adore him more than any other living creature on this planet. He also takes up about 80%-90% of the pictures on my iPhone. It's hard to get around it. I'm a bit dog crazy (admitting it is the first step). If I had my way it's ALL I'd talk about on a date. And frankly I don't want to hear my dates wacky pet stories (especially if they involve cats). I want to do all the talking and I want it to be all Riggins. See ... that is "crazy". During a first date I have to consciously NOT bring up the dog every 30 seconds.

Here is what is brilliant about this. Inevitably there will be a date I'm on that within a few minutes I've made the decision I NEVER want to see this person again. So I take all that stored up crazy from other times and LET IT LOOSE! You know a date with me is going south when I make you look at approximately 20 pictures of Riggins on my iPhone, fight (which has to includes screaming) that he is NOT a lab and demand you take it back, only talk about things I do with Riggins and talk about my plans to open dog friendly bars and gyms so I never have to be without him.

So although I hide crazy (aka my real self) I occasionally get to have it come out to play!

Happiest Place on Earth

Earlier this month my sister and her family came down to go to Disneyland in honor of my nephew and her birthday. This would be my nephews first trip to Disneyland so, of course, I couldn't miss it. Even though I was sicker than a dog. Have you been to Disneyland when you feel like passing out (and not for any good reason) and it is approx. 1 million degrees outside? I really wouldn't call it "super fun". Since I couldn't do much more then sit I was the perfect companion for my niece who is still super teeny tiny. One of the few rides we went on was the steamboat. As my dad, brother-in-law, nephew, and sister easily romped up the stairs to go to the higher levels of the boat I happily sat down on a bench about 6 ft. from the entrance with my niece on my lap. Next to me was two lovely women with their wild kids. During the cruise around Tom Sawyer's Island one of the women asked me how old my baby was. I answered "3-months" (I'm actually not really sure but this sounded good to me.) To which she replied after looking me up and down, "Wow. You look great for just having a baby."

THEN AND THERE MY DAY WAS MADE.

Now I realize this isn't much of a compliment since I have never actually given birth to a child after all the adorable baby in my arms was my niece. STILL in my mind I translated her comment to, "Wow you are so fit and skinny and beautiful." THANKS RANDOM DISNEYLAND LADY! THIS IS TRULY THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH ... even sick!

Info on a "gentleman" who emailed me from a dating site -

My Self-Summary

i have 2 sons , i have been divorced for 5 years and i have been single since then. i have allways been careful not to get hurh again. but i have realised its not a good thing to be alone cos life os too short

(Wendy note: I don't blame you. Getting "hurh" totally blows and life "OS" too short.)

I’m really good at

everything i do

(Wendy note: Umm. I'm reading this and I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say, "no not everything.")

The six things I could never do without

God

(Wendy note: That's one. Even as the "trinity" that is still less than six.)

I Didn't Say That

I'm not sure whose Twitter feed has strong armed mine and taken over my blog page but I'm 99% sure I didn't say any of those things.

I'd Wear That - Eps. 3

"To get here I must have turned off on Ridiculous Rd. with a L. at Ass Backwards Lane"

I'd Wear That - Eps. 2

"That's even gayer than yoga."

(I just said that and I stand by it.)

I'd Wear That

Often times someone says something and you think it would be a great saying to put on a T-Shirt. That is what "I'd Wear That" posting is all about. Things that have been said that belong on a T. I'll start out with a couple of mine. Feel free to add your own.

"Want a bigger tip? Ask for proof that I'm old enough to drink."

"I'm fine settling but not to the point where I'd want to hit the person on a daily basis."

"I'd like you better if our first date included alcohol."

Name it 'Rage' and I'm All In

I have NO IDEA what 'Rage' is about. I have NO IDEA how you premiere a movie on mobile phones. None of this makes any sense to me at all. BUT here is what I've learned from the trailer:

1. I adore Eddie Izzard.
2. I am starting to adore Jude Law.
3. Items 1 & 2 make me aware I may have some "guys in women clothing" issues. Fast forward 10 years to me walking in on my until now perfectly normal husband (I'm not married yet so may be a bit optimistic on that 10 year thing), in my bra and panties.
4. From now on I will only allow my picture to be taken if it is in front of a very colorful backdrop and I'm lit with white light coming in at perfect angles in front of me. So I look like a pretty washed out vampire. Really. They all look amazing. Direct-ish white light is obviously the key to beauty and agelessness.

Well Said?

Headline from one of my online matches this morning ---

"No hutchie mamas, No party girls, and No one who thinks there gods gift to man."

A man who knows what he wants and has a less then firm grasp on his punctuation and grammar.

Philly Smells

I can't believe I forgot to post about Martha leaving lovely So. Cal. I must have been stricken with grief. It's the only answer.

Martha is off to Philly to take on the art world there. She has a few years of teaching and learning and then she says she is coming back. I hope the closeness to her family doesn't seduce her into staying. Her nephews are cute little guys so it could happen!

Have fun and good luck Martha. Riggins (pictured as a baby in Martha's lap) will miss you as will I!

Nothing Like An Emergency To Bring Out The A**holes

Since Wed. the "Station Fire" has burned up over 35,000 acres in the Los Angeles National Forest. I can see the flames now and then from my front yard. As I type the fire threatens the towers on Mt. Wilson which transmit all radio/tv for LA. About 1/2 hour ago it was confirmed that two firemen have died in their attempt to stop the flames. Today I went to the Pasadena Humane Society to drop of towels, food & $ for the animals whose human families are in shelters that they can't hang out in. All in all, TRAGIC.

One of the buildings threatened, more so at the beginning of the fire, was/is JPL. I took the picture you see when I tired to go swimming at the Rose Bowl on Friday night but was turned away due to LARGE FLAMES. JPL is between the Rose Bowl and the flames you see. Not good. Burning down of JPL would be horrible.

Side note. I want to work at JPL. I really do. I think it would be so much fun and crazy exciting. That being said most jobs are for physicists and others who have crazy levels of schooling.

So I ask you ... who hired the dipshit? I want to know. I want to know who was the hiring manager who that it was okay to hire the asshat. On Facebook JPL, who I follow on that and Twitter because I'm a loyal fan, posted a number of scary flame pictures. Many people commented, in general, wishing everyone well. Except Mr. Douchebag who wrote, "NO WORK TOMORROW, WOO HOO!!". Despite his employment at the oh so famous JPL, he is too f*ing dumb to hide his profile so I found out he is a Financial Analyst for JPL. So not a scientist ... but still ... this guy got hired there? I'm horrified on behalf of NASA. Here was my response for all to see, "Did you just really "woo hoo" a major fire that took the lives of two firemen along with displacing numerous families from their homes? Really? THAT event just happens to keep you from working 8 hrs caused a "woo hoo"? I'm sure those whose lives are changed forever because of the horrible event tip their hats to you." I hope he responds. I'm ready for a fight and can't wait to take on this arrogant asshat nerd want-to-be behind the safety of my computer. Bring it chump.

The Rigendy

If Riggins and I were one.
Thanks to http://www.bwff.com/

Why the Mass Exodus?

I had lunch today with my good friend HC (remember names changed to protect the innocent). She is off on a new life adventure. I'm slightly jealous and slightly sad to see her leave sunny LA but I wish her and her fiance all the best! Rock that other coast HC!

** BTW I'm not okay that I'll be saying this same thing in a few days about another friend. Why the mass exodus? Is there a meteor headed this way and no one wants to tell me? **

I'm Busy Writing "FRIEND" in Glow Tape on my Roof

Here's my thought ... they are coming. I think all the signs are here. Alien life is seconds from crash landing on our little planet and I'm doing everything I can to let them know I'm "friend not food".

My love for Star Trek along with other alien media can be a bit confusing but those who know me understand I'm not afraid of Worf (in fact he's cute out of make up ---http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Dorn) but the REAL aliens (finding the link to that has caused me to start hyperventilating). You know what I mean. The oval head, big eyed, orifice probing freaky mean ol' aliens. Like Fire in the Sky aliens. AAAAAH. I will now not be able to sleep just because I said that movie title out loud. I wish I was kidding. Whoever added the "based on a true story" to that movie should be drug into the desert by his toenails and left for dead.

This summer there have been more signs to what the real aliens look like and I'm not going to lie. I'm not happy. Based on District 9, Avatar, and Old Man's War (okay that is a book that has been out for awhile but I just read it so totally counts) the big eyes are still in. NOT OKAY. BIG FREAK SOUL STEALING EYES ARE NOT COOL (The Old Man's War aliens aren't so much aliens and have cat eyes but since it is a book not a movie I'm going with the visual in my head). I'm going to throw out the cockroach look of the District 9 aliens because let's face it , that's just silly. BUT based on my other two media sources, and why would they lie, aliens will have freaky colored skin. Blue, green, what does it matter. It isn't flesh colored and that creeps me out.

So in case it is time I have the following ready (all based on my media based research):

*bag of Reeses Pieces (you never know)

*water (You bet 'cha I'm going to try it. First alien near me is getting a mug full of water just in case that works.)

*comfy traveling clothes and extra leash for Riggins in case we have to take a ride up, up, and away

*words to "Earth Girls Are Easy"

FRIEND NOT FOOD

"Note to self: Be rich one day." - Psych

I can't believe I didn't get hundreds upon hundreds of emails asking how I did conquering my Las Vegas goals. One was completed. That's 33.33% which I'm going to pretend isn't bad. You guess which one. (Hint: I'm not dead from high blood pressure.)

Vegas Goals

Short term goals are good for you. AL, MC, LR, Sparkly Friend, and me are heading off to Vegas for the weekend! Here are my Vegas goals (in no particular order):

* Find and marry a super rich dude. Not just rich ... super rich. Preferably married by an Elvis impersonator with AL, MC, LR and Sparkly Friend in show girl costumes as witnesses. Really, just for the pictures.

* Remember to take my blood pressure medication. This is actually a very important goal that I'm somewhat worried about. I've enlisted the travel crew to help remind me ... Serious goal! Serious enough to write down and post!

* (What I see as the most attainable goal.) Snap a shot of Sparkly Friend and me on Southwest on the way to the City of Sin, tweet, and be re tweeted so that all Southwest followers are aware of how super duper cool our Abba "Dancing Queen" pink cowboy hats are!

VEGAS!!!

Sparkly friend would like me to share her Vegas goals with you.

* 10 PURPLE OUT! She's serious too. She got her fingernails painted purple and sparkly (of course) for good luck. 10 PURPLE OUT!!!

Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

I always have this dilemma. Do I or do I not give out my cell phone to an online date prior to meeting him. I've been burned both ways. If I don't he will be late or I will be late or after doing a once over on the dates profile I may decide I need stronger drink options (it happens) and therefore need to move the meeting location. No phone number? Totally out of luck.

But if I do give out the number then I get texts like this:

"How are you? (Name Blocked to protect the Innocent)"

WHO ARE YOU? SERIOUSLY? WHO ARE YOU? I have no idea and I'll have to go through 3 different sites to try and match up name and number to get even the faintest idea who you are. I need more info like "we met through Match.com and had a drink at The Griffin". At least then I can narrow you down to a handful of folks.

Sigh. Being me is so hard.

Update:
Okay I think I've figured out who this guy is. Maybe. Originally I thought it was "Texty-Text" who got his nickname due to the crazy number of texts/vm he left prior to our first date. Now I think it is some guy WHO I NEVER MET AND WHO NEVER GAVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER. How, on God's green earth, do you expect me to know who you are with the only clue being a name 10% of the male population of the US has (I made that stat up but it sounds about right)? AND he said "Ok Hon" in a correspondence with me which was like a pebble being dropped in a pond. If the pebble was that statement and the pond was my friends and the ripples were of hate and annoyance. Still I think I'll text him back because he looks like Right Said Fred in his pictures and that just makes me giggle.

Wendy's Rules for Online Dating

So last night's date went "okay". 90% of the time that is my take. That is why I have a new-ish rule. EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND DATE. I've had to force this rule on myself. I'm not overly happy about it but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Very few people are good at dating and that "creepy" vibe you get could just be first date nerves. I went out on a date with a guy recently that giggled through the entire thing. Seriously. Like a little girl. Giggle giggle giggle. I have to assume that isn't his actual personality but jitters finding their way out.

There are two exceptions to this rule:
* The guy is a liar liar pants on fire (aka he says he is 30 and his pictures show him as a male model in cowboy gear only to find out he is closer to 45 and his modeling days are far behind him --- don't laugh ---- it's happened --- to me) or possible stalker/killer.
* He is a perfectly nice guy but the thought of kissing him makes me gag.

Honestly this new rule hasn't really been put into play yet. If my response to a date is "that was okay" I usually leave it up to him. If he asks me out again I'll go. If he doesn't I won't. Even though the last 3 (but whose counting) dates I've responded with, "yes, that would be great" to the "can I give you a call" question no one has actually given me a call. Now you may read this as I'm a bad first date. Impossible I tell you. I am so charming it would knock your socks off. So here is my take .... if I don't jump them wrapping my legs and arms around them and covering them with kisses they are too chicken shit to ask someone out. Man up boys. Let's see what you are made of.

Last nights date threw me a curve ball. Here is how he ended the night, "well, I'll leave this up to you. You have my phone number. If you want to go out again give me a call." TOUCHE MY FRIEND. I don't like it. Kinda pisses me off. BUT T O U C H E!

Lessons in Online Dating Rules

(I'm assuming this will be an ongoing posting theme so let me set the rules. These are my rules. Now I realize I am actually much less crazy than most single females. Therefore, what works for me may not work for some of those other "ladies" online dating. In fact I have a friend that is also on this particular site and would suggest some of my rules aren't true. For the sake of this blog let's just assume I'm right and she is wrong.)

For this lesson we will look deep into my email archives to earlier this morning for an example of what not to say in an intro email and then I will illustrate the correct way to write one.

WRONG WAY:

The 2nd pic with you & your doggy is precious:)

And the 3rd pic of you is so sexy that...Well, it's just plain beyond cruel!
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and have a good cry now...

Wendy's notes: Okay. I realize this one doesn't seem too bad on the surface but let's break it down.

1. Gross. That's right you heard me. Gross. I realize you think calling someone "sexy" is a compliment but don't you think you went a little overboard? I mean the visual of what you are doing right now is not okay. It doesn't help that...

2. Your pictures are insulting. Really if I wanted to possibly get fired from my job I would have stayed on the site long enough to report them. I don't need to see a full nudie shot of you that leaves very little to my imagination and I CERTAINLY don't need to see what your bare butt looks like peeking out of some sheets. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You are 47 for gods sake. Grow up. (By the way the fact that you are 12 years older than me also adds to the gross factor of your statement.)

3. Why are you crying? Are you upset that you are not that bright?

4. How do you expect me to respond to this?

(Although he is correct Riggins and I are adorable!)

CORRECT WAY:

Hi I just read your profile and would love to meet up sometime this week for drinks. When would you be available?

That's it. Clean. Neat. To the point. Not insulting. No need for the non-stop back and forth emails without meeting. Done and done. BTW this totally won't work if you have a picture of your nudie butt up. Nothing can help that person.

Alert the Paparazzi

Announcement --- I just alerted my mom and dad to my groundbreaking blog. My loyal readers has doubled in size since we last spoke.

(I promise to make this the last announcement when new readers join since at this point it's just a snowball of followers that I can't possible keep track of.)

All This & Craft Skills Too!

Over the past month I've managed to pull out my sewing machine not once .... but (wait for it) ... twice. That's right. I'm a craft making machine! I'll start this story with the not so successful blanket -

When my nephew (the adorable Logan) was born I did my auntly duty (I swear I almost spelled that doodie and just had to pause my blogging for the laughter to stop) and hand sewed him a blanket. When sweet little Kira (my niece) was born I was a little behind but she just turned 2 months old so I figure I haven't completely failed. Sadly her blanket (in the picture being modeled by Riggins) is a bit of a disaster. Don't let blankets fool you. It's their simplicity that sucks you in. You think, I don't have to pin this .... it's a freakin' blanket. Next thing you know your on hour 4 of the Didn't Know I Was Pregnant marathon on TLC (brilliant by the way) with a seam ripper in one hand and sweat dripping off your brow. But now it is finished (well almost ... I just found one more mistake that I have to fix before Friday.)! Yah!

The more successful project was for my highly talented fake nephew's (aka sparkly common friend's son) birthday. He is in the picture modeling his very personalized super hero cape.

2 projects and the score is Failure = 1 Success = 1. Neck in neck ....

I'm a star!

Watch out ---- I just alerted Martha and the mysterious unnamed "common friend" that they are featured in my first blog post ever! MY READERSHIP IS ABOUT TO GROW BY 200%! Woo hooo!!!!

Sowwry

Just "published" my first blog posting and it is the LONGEST BLOG POSTING OF ALL TIME. Sorry about that. I'll have to learn to get to the point faster.

Who, What, When, Why & Where

Why a blog you ask? Who would read this silliness?

Well the answer to that second question is no one. I haven't told anyone I'm doing this so right now it's just literally "Me, Myself, & Riggins." I'll read it to him out loud every night so he is kept up to speed (I'm only 1/2 kidding).

Why is a loaded question. Why not? I constantly have thoughts and Riggins is a good sounding board to a point but I feel like I could get more from a bigger audience base (I realize this doesn't make sense with the 0 follower fact).

Here is the reason that pushed me over the edge:

One evening last week my good friend Martha came over to hang and drink wine. As always our discussion covered everything from the brilliance of Toddlers and Tiaras to the excitement of her going to grad school. AS ALWAYS the conversation turned back to my overly exciting dating life (something I'm sure will fill many of my blog posts). As an avid online dater in LA I make it a point to give my "killing information" to a friend prior to meeting someone and check in after to alert them of my safety. So for all you men out there reading my profile on one of those dating sites be warned ... if you kill me you will be hunted down. She had mentioned how I hadn't given her killing info for my last date and I shared that one of our good friends had read about a guy who stalked women online and rapped and killed them on their date (I may be making part of that up but you get the point). For that reason our common friend demanded I give her the killing info and handing it over to more than one person seemed like overkill (no pun intended). Here is how the rest of the conversation played out (this is from memory so it is possible these exact words were not said ... ):
Martha: That's really scary.
Wendy: Well you are supposed to decide ahead of time if you are going to fight or not, if attacked. When it happens it is all too fast and if you are going to fight it has to be instinct. I'm going to fight.
Martha: Of course you are.
Wendy: That mo'fo (although I'm sure I actually used the full curse words. I was, after all, a couple glasses of wine in by this point.) isn't going to know what hit him. He'll be sorry he ever laid eyes on me. Seriously just look for the guy bleeding in pain as he stumbles around with his eyes poked out.
Martha: (heavy sigh)
Wendy: (With a grin that is rarely seen other then on a small child at Christmas time) I can't wait!
Martha: Please get therapy.

My response was wild laughter. You see my brilliant friend Martha is right. I do need therapy. I realize that. I admit it. I'm still not going to get it. That would require WAY too much effort on my part. I can't even imagine trying to carve out 2 hrs / week to sit in someones office and glare at them meanly (which is what I would do. Freakin' head shrinkers.). Not to mention my insurance is crap and if my insurance appointed primary care physician is an example of the scholastic genius available I'm sure I'll end up laying in a pool of my own vomit from an od of Valium.

So here you go. This is my therapy without actually going to therapy. Enjoy!

(BTW names have been changed to protect the innocent and stupid. Except Riggins and Martha. I thought of the whole "change the name" thing after I wrote this and since I called her brilliant I think it's all good.)