Does This Require A Two Drink Min?

I do believe I've already told you my suggestion on how to interact via email on a dating site. Let me remind you ...

I suggest something like this:

"Wendy -
I'd love to meet you out for drinks. Are you free anytime this week?
Joe"

I DON'T suggest sending your failed stand up set from last nights open mic. AKA the e-mail I received today (warning --- I could not read the entire thing. I have match.com ADD. Feel free to skim as I did. I think you will get the point):

"I just had to stop by and say hi to one of the prettiest ladies on this or any site. Now I am going out on a limb and hopefully attack your funny bone...wish me luck ;-) Enjoy sweetie and hope is scores me some HUGE points and I hear back. I am trying really hard and my fingers are KILLING me from typing so much...lol

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

When I ordered a burger at McDonald's the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned thei r children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico
.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges and Exxon-Mobil laid off 5 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally, the one I love the most...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Alright just incase that didn't work, I am going to pull out the heavy artillery and share my rules with you that I came up with and listed below for any boy who plans on dating my 9 going on 14...lol beautiful little girl when she is old enough to date. Enjoy...

My Rules For Any Boy Who Plans On Dating My Daughter…

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. Howe ver, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out w ith my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose dow n parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exi t the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. "

Even if a two drink min. isn't required I'm confident I couldn't read this e-mail top to bottom without a couple strong gin and tonics.

Are We Superheros?

The headline of one of my chemistry match's today had a headline that made me wonder if perhaps he thought we were both superheros.

I have long ago agreed to pass everyone on to the next steps no matter what but I don't think I can do it with this guy (although he is cute and is the asst. director to the Simpsons -- so he says --- which makes you think he may be kidding). Here is more about who he is and what he wants in his own words:

"I'm the male version of what I'm looking for in a woman, very spiritual, out of the box thinker, awake and aware. I'm a connoisseur in the alien and extraterrestrial phenomena and I'm very interested in benevolent ET's. I'm honest, compassionate, loyal, high moral and ethical values, fit and slender (always), vegetarian, practice reconnective healing and meditation, love my folks, they're still married, therefore I'm not psychologically traumatized by divorced parents, it's hard to find someone like that nowadays. I'm loving and kind, not jealous, financially independent, love cats (have two), very sexual, don't look my age, speak my mind with integrity, respectful tours nature and others. Plus I am a drummer, goofy at times and in love with life, I'm a hopeless romantic and I AM LOVE! So yes, I look for all of that in a woman more or less.

I'm searching for my life mate, someone that completes me and I her. As an artist looks are very important to me, unless I'm looking at a drop dead gorgeous model I'm not even attracted, sort of the spiritual Victoria's Secret type. That woman who knows I am everything she's looking for. That special someone that somewhat can almost remember we agreed to meet and have a great life together before we came into this world. Bottom line until we interact soul to soul we'll never know. "

To recap he is a alien loving vegetarian who meditates on loving cats and will only fall in love with a Victoria Secret model whose soul is willing to interact with him.

That is strike one, two and three all in one sentence! Nah. No way right? No one can be that big of a tool (he does have a picture of himself in Ohm position on a mountain ...). I'm going with the idea that he is joking (I don't think he is joking) and passing him on. This will end badly.

Healthy-ish Living

I'm not the healthiest eater on the planet. I'm not the unhealthiest either but definitely not the healthiest. Lately I've been having chest pains again (which I think is due to too much caffeine) and get foot cramps when pointing my toes for an hour at Bar Method. I've decided, after minimal online research --- which is how I diagnose all my health concerns, that the cramping issue is due to low potassium. Potassium is an electrolyte (I think) which gets sucked from your body when you sweat. Now technically I don't exercise enough to loose too many electrolytes but I consider myself gifted when it comes to sweating. It's kinda gross. Since I sweat like a big ol' fat man in the middle of the desert, and tend to exercise more than the average American (this weekend was Runyon twice and 5K which lead to really angry calve muscles at bar method last night) I'm going with the potassium thing. Eating better should help the problems I've been having.

I started to follow a couple blogs of women who are CRAZY healthy eaters. (neverhome)maker http://www.neverhomemaker.com/ and Oh She Glows http://ohsheglows.com/. Frankly both of them cheese me off a bit as they are adorable healthy young women/wives who happily live healthy existences. The least I can do is eat a little like them. And I do mean a little.

Adorable pixie like (neverhome)maker lady made what I called Hummus Pizza (http://www.neverhomemaker.com/2010/05/hummus-melts.html) so I gave it a whirl. They were good. Very good. But all I could think of is how much better they would be if they were real pizza vs. hummus. So I made real pizza last night (see picture)! It's still using the whole wheat muffins and I did have veggies on the side so I feel like it was still healthy-ish. Not as healthy as the pixie's version but still.

Oh She Glows fairy like lady lead me to this recipe for Banana "Ice Cream" http://www.choosingraw.com/this-post-will-change-your-life/. Now I don't particularly like bananas so this seemed like a genius way to get the potassium I think I need. Last night I tried this and was AMAZED that it worked. Of course the soft serve texture and look couldn't take away the banana taste so next time I make it I plan to "Wendy it up" (aka make it less healthy) with some Nesquik, vanilla, or anything else I can throw in there to mask the banana taste! Here are my tips if you make this (learn from my mistakes):
* Don't just throw bananas in the freezer. When bananas freeze they are impossible to peel and CRAZY cold. Do the prep work before freezing!
* Don't hit that pulse button too long. I was in awe that it was working and over pulsed. If you dot his you are just making baby food. Blah! I think it would be yummier with little chunks of frozen banana hanging out in it.
* This looks like, has the texture of, and is cold like soft serve ice cream. It's not ice cream it's bananas so if you don't like bananas you aren't going to like this!

Enjoy my healthy-ish eating tips!

I heart Zappos

Before I start please note the super cute shoes I just got from Zappos. Adorable, comfortable and I didn't have to step into a store to get them! It is like a win win all around (and when I say all around I mean for me not for the store that didn't get my business). Here is the scoop I don't like shopping. What? Wendy going against another female stereotype ... shocking! Almost everything about it annoys me so there is no surprise that I am drawn to online shopping. The King of all Online Shopping is Zappos.com (I made up this title but I'll fight anyone who thinks it doesn't fit the brilliant online company). Above and beyond their great selection, easy to use web site, and super fast service the thing I love more than anything about them is their Grade A Customer Service!

Great customer service seems to be a dying art. As someone who was trained as an official Disneyland Guest Service Cast Member this hurts my heart. Zappos has the normal stuff you would expect when thinking "great customer service", next day free shipping (I'm not sure if this is for everyone or just VIP members --- like me), crazy easy return policy (which I used when I ordered "cute" boots that in person were only cute if you lived in a rural mountain community that required hiking through mud and snow), and easy to leave/read customer reviews for each product. What makes them special and gives them that edge (I'd say the "Disney Edge" but that seems corny .... and yet I did it) was the fact that they have empowered their employees to actually help customers and make their experience positive. THAT is what is hard for some companies. Giving up that power. LET ME TELL YOU PEOPLE --- YOU NEED TO GIVE IT UP!

I have a number of Zappos examples of this. I am, after all, a very loyal customer. Ask me where I got the shoes I'm wearing (any shoes --- water shoes, sandals, pumps, running shoes) and I'll say happily, "Zappos." I actually don't remember the last time I bought shoes at a brick and mortar store.

Recently I ordered a blouse (oh yeah ... not just shoes people ... NOT JUST SHOES). When it showed up in it's box o' happiness I found that the packing slip said it was a size medium, the plastic bag around the garment said size medium but the shirt was a small. No biggie. It's Zappos! I was confident that it would be easily fixed. I was right! The conversation that followed would have been horrific with any other company. Trust me. In fact call your cable company right now and tell them something is wrong .... let me know how that goes for you! When I call the cable company now the first thing I say is, "let me talk to your manager" because I already know the person who answered the phone can't help me even if he/she wanted to. They aren't allowed to. They aren't empowered. Having that client service job must BLOW! You get yelled at all day by angry people and can do NOTHING to help them. Screw that! Zappos is the exact oppisite.

I called Zappos and a very nice lady answered the phone. She IMMEDIATELY apologized in the correct horrified tone and, after commenting on how cute the shirt was, made sure there was another one available and had it shipped out to me next day. She then offered to help me walk through the process of printing out a return label (which is a crazy easy process) and to find the closest UPS drop off point. So my problem was fixed. Little effort on my end to return the package. New blouse will be waiting for me when I get home the next day. DONE! BUT she was not just empowered she was super empowered. She, without asking --- without having to be asked, sent me an email with a coupon for $10 for the inconvenience. BRILLIANT RIGHT? Super nice, super empowered, and since it was a good experience and I now have a coupon she is almost GUARANTEED I'll go back and spend more money with her company.

I'm sure you aren't surprised that I did. Once again turn your attention to the super cute shoes up top.

STAY CLASSY ZAPPOS. I HEART YOU NOW AND FOREVER.

China Called - They No Longer Consider You a Member

E-mail I received last night from a member of match.com. For the moron's safety I won't reveal his match name but it does include the word "inmate" which already screams classy.

"I LOVE dogs too, they are yummy, really good with ginger and soy sauce! Sorry, bad joke, not all Chinese eat dogs, I actually prefer veggies. Not all Chinese good at math too, I got a F+ in math in high school and I was happy I got a +. So what are you up to this memorial day weekend?"

Sounds like a catch right? I mean he did get that + on his failing math grade in high school. What more does a gal want?

Fancy Stuff for iPhone Users

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I Wouldn't Really Call That a Formula

Chemistry.com tells it's customers that it has a "formula" to match you and your perfect love. When signing up for the site you answer a number of questions. Now we know my attention span for this kind of thing isn't great which may be why I clicked "Enjoys watching sports". Even with my lack of attention to the questionnaire I expect the proven formula to be something more than "picking names out of a hat". Which, based on experience, seems to be what they do.

As an example 1 of my "matches" today (I only had 2 so 50% of my matches) showed that we had "0" common interests. ZERO. How exactly did we get matched up? And really how does this guy get matched up with anyone? Above is a picture of my common interests with a past match. So if ZERO guy doesn't like to dance, camp, go out to dinner, drink wine, play cards, go to movies or watch sports .... what exactly does he like to do?

I Actually Do Like Some People

Facebook has done a couple things nice for me. One is kept me in contact with those handful of people from my past I actually do like and, if it not for the site would not have any connection with. One of my friends from college who I find hilarious, intelligent and would know nothing about today if not for the crazy site, started the group, "You're both wrong, so shut it."

It describes itself as:
"This group is dedicated to the idea of shutting out the extremist views on both sides of an issue. You understand that moderates and people willing to compromise have views that are just as strong, yet don't need to resort to name calling or other infantile arguments. Scare tactics don't work either. We can think for ourselves."

As if I didn't love that topic enough I joined in time to receive an officers title! A Facebook first for me! Although I like everyone's well matched titles I'm in love with mine, "Assistant Coordinator - Canine Telepathy Services". I would like my current business cards to be immediately reprinted to reflect this. It is a much more accurate title than any I've ever held!

Another Reason I'm Still Single

From today's well thought out and scientific "match". You are 42 years old and thought the best headline to introduce yourself to the online dating world included the words "Huggy Bear?"

Why I'm Still Single

One would hope this post is from some a**hole "screwing around". Since Chemistry feels we will be a good fit and he counts as one of my "matches" today I'd like him grab something heavy. Tie it to himself. Walk out to the Santa Monica Pier. And jump.

A**hole.

What the H E Double Hockey Sticks Were You Thinking?

On match.com, like other dating sites, you post pictures of yourself. I usually get annoyed at those guys who post no pictures at all but I think this may be worse. Now this guy does have picture of himself up ... which is good ... he is cute. Still, what in the HELL made him think it was a good idea to post a picture of some naked chick with a tramp stamp? I really can't tell if it is a print of a painting or a photo but does it matter? It's a naked chick with a tramp stamp. HOW IS THAT A GOOD IDEA? This is worse that those guys with no photos, or photos with ex girlfriends (blurred face or not) or the ones who are hugging strippers/professional dancers/cheerleaders/etc.

Does it really need to be said? I guess it does.

Online Dating Tip -

If you are a dude looking to make contact with a nice gal don't put a picture of some chick's ass on your profile.

I'm here to help.

Mom's Are Brilliant

Mom's are brilliant. I believe this is a well known fact but since Mom's Day is this weekend let me give you a couple examples of random everyday knowledge my Mom has passed on to me proving she is brilliant.

* "Never say no to fun." - Simple in it's brilliance. Sometimes you are tired, or grumpy, or stressed and when something that could be fun is suggested you say something like, "no, going to bed to hide my head instead." Imagine what you may have missed out on. Shake off the tired, grumps or stress and say "yes."

Wanna go to dinner? - YES
I think I might go for a hike - COUNT ME IN. YES.
Let's go to Greece - HELL TO THE YA. (aka Yes)
How about an all night movie marathon? - HOW ABOUT I BRING THE POPCORN. YES.

See it's easy and if fun isn't found you will have a good story. There is a partner saying that says, "You make your own fun." and using that piece of logic anywhere you are has endless potential for being entertaining.

* "A women who works full time deserves the services of a cleaning lady." - AMEN. I've lived by this for awhile now and I'm amazed how happy I am after the cleaning lady has been to my house. I literally dance around happily over the vacuumed floor while breathing in the freshness of AJAX fumes. My only regret is having her come every other week instead of weekly. My dream is to have someone come in every other day. CAN YOU IMAGINE. I NEED TO BE RICH SO I CAN HAVE THIS. I'D BE CONSTANTLY HAPPY!!! CONSTANTLY!!!

One of my friends once said that she would give up food before she would give up her cleaning lady. Preaching to the choir my friend!

I mean take a look at the picture above. THAT is what I came home to recently. I didn't even know I had 3 pairs of old running shoes still saved in that closet until that moment. WHAT A BRILLIANT VISUAL OF ORDER AND CLEANLINESS.

To all the men out there ---- if you can afford for me to have a cleaning lady once a week or more the next words out of my mouth will be "I DO!"

I Have 2 Words for you Facebook - One starts with an F and the other word is "off"

(BTW I realize I may have anger issues as two posts in a row have had the words, or alluded to the words "F**k Off." I'm oddly okay with that and will be ignoring it and moving on.)

Listen here Facebook I realize you were originally intended to bring me closer to friends and relatives that I rarely speak to but let's all agree that enough is enough. I can't stop on my own. You are like crack so I request that you somehow crash never to be fixed again.

Your demise is really for the best of all involved. I have had to "block" a number of "friends" from my feed to keep from hating them. It is for the good of our friendship that I have done this. Although it makes social situations awkward as I have to admit I haven't seen something they have posted or pretend I have while stuffing my face with chips and dip to try and make it less obvious I know little to nothing about whatever subject they are talking about.

I realize this is not a one sided thing. I have to assume that of my 228 closest "friends" at least 200 of them have blocked me from their feed. I mean who can handle the endless supply of dog jokes, puppies in need of adoption, and pictures of Riggins? A person can only take so much!

Mother's Day, like Valentine's Day, and other such holidays only makes my hatred of Facebook deeper and causes an increased amount of times I hit "hide from feed" for people I honestly like but for that one second want to strangle. Here is an example of what you may have done to get hidden (for the good of our friendship ---- I can't emphasize that enough ---- for the good of our friendship):
* Posting a picture of your unborn baby's sonogram or that stick your wife peed on to prove she was indeed pregnant (always the guy who does that). The picture is creepy. Once born I will give you "oohs and awwwes" for your adorable child but at this point he/she looks like an alien. Why would you do that to me? AND WHY THE PEE STICK? Here is the conversation that would happen if someone knocked me up and then posted a pee stick as his profile picture:
Dude: Why'd you block me from your feed.
Wendy: How did you know that did you hack into my account? We are over.
Okay maybe not like that perhaps this:
Dude: Why'd you block me from your feed.
Wendy: Because you made a picture of a stick I peed on your profile picture. No one wants to see that. What is wrong with you? Moron. We are over.
Well --- either way my child is born a bastard.
* Posting any ridiculous comment about anything which you ask others to post as well. During valentines day it was about how you are lucky you have the love of your life and if the reader has the love of his/her life he/she should change her status to indicate it. Wow. Thanks. Can I have dagger with that self helping of shame and horror. No really thanks for that. Soooo happy that fad spread like wildfire. For the past fee weeks it has been all about Mom's day. A similar, "if you have a child..." caused the same dagger reaction from me but I just saw a new posting:
"Mothers' Day declaration ~ I wanted you before you were born. I loved you when you were born, I saw your face and I knew that I was in love. Before you were an hour old, I knew I would die for you. To this day, I will. This is the miracle of life. Put this on your status if you have a child or children you love more than life. ♥ "
Now don't get me wrong I really like the woman who posted this. She is an honest and a really nice person. Still ... dagger please and golf claps for the bold dare. I mean you are really putting every other mom on the spot since it is inferred that if they don't repost they don't love their child's life as much as their own. Hell I felt so bad I almost reposted it in reference to Riggins.
* Telling me what you are doing vs. working during the hours of 8:30 - 5:30. Now if you are on vacation then feel free to lay it on me pictures and all. If you don't have a job (and although I do consider housewife/mom a full time job for this specific example let's define job as somewhere you go from 8:30-5:30 ish Mon - Fri and get paid for) I don't want to hear about it. The endless trips to Disneyland, the mall, getting nails done, massages, naps during the day, trips to the beach, gym outings, picnics, etc really do nothing more than piss me off as I'm stressing over how to close $50,000 by the end of the day.

That's the short list but you get the point. So once again Facebook I plead with you. I'm not strong enough to give you up on my own. I need help. For the good of everyone involved you just need to find a way to walk away.

Thank you in advance for understanding.