I'm Kinda A Horrible Person

Listen. I am sometimes a horrible person with horrible thoughts. This post will reveal one of these horrible things sooooooo if you are on the cusp of not liking me or thinking I'm slightly evil I suggest skipping this. Just ignore it. If you read on remember you were warned ...

Awhile back while in a "serious" relationship the dude told me a story of how, on a trip across the country, he visited the Grand Canyon. Then he proudly told me stories how he jumped all over the rocky edge over breaks that lead down into the giant open hole in the earth. I was FURIOUS at him. How dare he? What the hell was wrong with him? I gave him a stern yet loving tongue lashing. Sometimes nature is so awesome it doesn't seem real so when you do stupid ass stuff like he had done your actions don't seem to hold any real consequences. Yet, if you go to the gift shop at said canyon there are books written on morons who died because they were playing around and couldn't comprehend the overwhelming danger of their actions. Many of those highlighted in the book fall to their death by jumping around the rocks. Idiots. And how dare the dude I was dating put his life in danger in such a reckless manner? Did he realize he had people who loved and depended on him? Didn't he realize I loved and depended on him? How would we go on without him and how tragic our lives would be if he stupidly died, well so stupidly? It's the same reason I've always shied away from dating cops or firemen and such. I couldn't even imagine how I would feel every time they went to work and put their life on the line. Knowing that I may never see them again and they would never come home. I'd be a wreck 24/7.

Well I'm over it. Totally over it. First of all in retrospect I realize the dude I dated was a complete moron and perhaps that little tale he told should have been a sign. Honestly my life would have had a lot less pain and suffering if one of those jumps the sand/dirt under his feet gave out a bit. (Don't look at me like that. I gave you FULL warning that horrible things were going to be said.) Now I think I'd be not only a-okay with one of those guys who live their professional life on the edge, I'm all for it. Heck go jump in that burning building for all I care. Just don't expect a lot of sympathy if you get burned. I may get funny glances from his pals as I shepherd our children from his grave site to the ice cream truck with a "hey I had him for awhile it was good while it lasted" attitude. I've lived alone for long enough I can take care of myself. It would be nice to have a companion so a time out with a nice guy until he does something stupid (heroic ... whatever) in the line of duty would be a nice time out.

I have thought this for awhile but it came back to the forefront of my mind during the last weeks episode of Deadliest Catch. Any woman who has seen that show is taken back at how ridiculously girl-y our dudes are. Seriously. Wimps. The guys on the show put their life on the line ... for crab. I don't even eat crab and I'm fascinated by that. The dude use to cry like a little baby begging me to cancel the cleaning lady that came at 8AM twice a week on Sat just so he could sleep in. Deadliest Catch guys work in RIDICULOUS conditions for 12+ hours straight and "sleeping" consists of crashing where you fall most likely still in full gear. The dude had a nervous breakdown over a paper cut. I've seen Deadliest Catch guys pull out their own teeth (no dentist on the open seas) or poke holes into their fingernails because they are bruised and swollen. Honestly the dudes around us are sad specimens in comparison to the Deadliest Catch guys.

Now here is the kicker! Again I always thought I'd never be able to date a crab fisherman. After all how can you love someone who may die --- fishing? Then I figured something out. YOU'D RARELY EVER SEE THEM. Win and win! They spend good chucks of their time on a boat miles away off the Alaskan cost. I'm not going on that boat ... I'm staying in our cozy little home that that fishing boat bought. The bonus? Your guy leaving for months on end comes with the much to serious possibility of cheating. I have a deep and strong hatred for cheaters so this would be an issue. BUT WHO CAN YOU CHEAT WITH ON A BOAT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA? No chicks on that boat. Okay I'm sure that little town has some crab skanks (probably well named). Still the temptation is limited and if he wants to give up my loving arms for that? Well fine. I get the house. Enjoy your boat.

So someone get me Josh Harris number. That kid is adorable with the sweetest heart of gold. Each shot of his angst ridden face in last week's episode had me in tears. I think we have a match! (No one tell me he is married. I can't handle it when I learn my celebrity loves are married as I don't do cheating. I still morn the loss of Joel McHale.)

I Know Someone Who Isn't Reading this Blog

Email I received from Match.com this weekend. My very intelligent Yahoo! email put it in my spam folder so I almost missed it.

"Hi Match.com Member,

I work in the marketing department for Match.com and have an exciting opportunity to present to our Match.com members in the LA area.

We're looking to capture the fun and excitement of a Match.com first date for a new series of promos...and we'd love for you to be a part of it! Here's the scoop: we're filming real Match.com members on First Dates with people they want to meet from the site. These dates are light, fun and truly illustrate how exciting it can be when you give Match.com a try. So, if you're feeling spontaneous and have someone you've been chatting with online - or someone you've been thinking about reaching out to - we want to hear from you!

To see examples of First Dates we've recently filmed, visit www.youtube.com/matchusa

If you're interested in participating, please contact us asap at womenladates@match.com.

Please also provide the following information with your response to be considered:

1. First and Last name

2. Match.com username

3. Age

4. A recent picture of you

5. Match.com username of the person(s) that you would like to meet

6. Best phone number to reach you

Thank you and we look forward to hearing from you!

Sarah Gray

Match.com"

Hmmm. Who should I suggest my filmed date be with? The LDS fake leer jet magazine designer? The "model"? He won't speak much but maybe he is pretty. The 53 year old possible yacht killer? Mr. Humble? Tarzan? Mr. Stand Up? Superman? Soooo many choices. Wanna make a bet my first date doesn't make it to air? Oooh. Now I sooooo want to do this.

Sounds Good To Me

LinkedIn is a professional website that allows you to post your resume and network with colleagues. It's a classy Facebook. One of things you can do on the site is ask those who have worked with you to write you a recommendation. Today I received a request from a co-worker for just that. After writing one for her (it was easy --- she rocks) she sent met he following "fake" recommendation

"WENDY...

Is dynamite! She’s tall and makes herself even taller with those heels! She has a great sense of humor, and has an awesome dog (too bad I’m allergic to animals). She always has her best critical eye open (“Boy, that is a lot of blueberries!”). She’s got spunk, and you would be extremely lucky to know her. Best of all, she is on top of her sh*t!"

I LOVE IT. I told her I'm adding it to the end of my resume so people know what they are getting.

One of her lines from her real recommendation (the one she wrote that I could post on the networking site) had me in stitches too ...
"She continually drives the company forward with productive criticism."

Me? Critical? Really? Ha! I love that line! I'm adding it to the top of my resume. Screw it. I'm having this lady re-write my resume from top to bottom!

What the Hell is Wrong With You People?

First of all read the last two posts before diving into this one.

Pickins' were so slim today on my matches I almost passed through one guy without reading his entire profile. You know I rarely read the entire profile. I don't know what caused me to scan further down but here is what I found ...

"About His Religious Background: I have enjoyed learning about all Christian faiths by attending their services. I know that there is only one TRUE Church on the Earth today because the same church that was on the Earth when Jesus lived on Earth in the flesh has been Restored. LDS.

Education: Some college

A book, movie, concert or play that he's recently enjoyed: I Design my own magazine called "Where?" that I install into the seat pockets on my home made fake leer jet cabins 12 chairs maximum per restaurant. Serve guests sodas by a beautifull waitress/or. Please tip $6 per chair. She/He will keep drink full."

You do realize you sound crazy right? I'm totally convinced you are an alien tried to blend in here on earth and failing miserably at it.

Oh For the Love Of Your God!

First of all read the post below prior to diving into this one.

Now here is what the model says about his religious beliefs:

"my religious is good it ok by me, we do help the orphan the widow and so other peoples God use to takes control in our religious, so every thing about religious is quit all ok, so glory be God,"

Stereotypes Exist for a Reason

From one of today's Match's. This is how he describes himself ...

"i am a cool guy so nice to the col, i am a hair dressing also a model i can do all kind of hair style, i am looking for good looking girl a that can be so cool so good to every one,
a lady that can put me in a wright way that motivate my emotion, develop my potent, if i can find a lady like that i will
so happy "

You are a model? No. You don't say. I would have thought physisist.

Well Since You SAY I Can Be Safe With You ... I'm In!

There are certain online dating rules. You don't have to follow them but if you end of dead don't come crying to me. I've had problems just giving out my phone number prior to meeting on a first date (I won't do it anymore. I know that seems extreme but you try and manage the nonstop "hey what's up?" texts after midnight on the weekends when morons get drunk and start randomly texting people they have numbers for.) and you aren't going to know where I live until after the second date at a minimum (A rule I'm now rethinking to "never" knowing where I live .... I'll always meet you somewhere vs have you pick me up. I'm trying to be really nice to a poor soul who I stopped seeing back in Dec and yet continually texts and wants to call to try and get back together. It's over dude. Move on. BUT he knows where I live and I don't want to come home to Riggins painted with the words "bitch" on him. It's mean and not accurate as he is a male dog. HA HA HA HA ... THAT CRACKED ME UP! I'M SOOOOOOOO FUNNY.)

Now as you age you should be even more aware of these rules and the fact that others will want to follow them. Which makes this email I received on Friday from a 53 year old owner of a couple bagel stores even worse:

Are you spontaneous and game for a great time?

Are you spontaneous and game for a great time?
So I'm going to this tonight and I thought you might want to go with me.

*link to event*

I know it is last minute. You can check me out and feel safe with me.

Also there will be a ton of people.

I know we would have fun....

Let me know....

*name of a guy who obviously owns a couple bagel stores*

I took out the link to save Bagel guys identity so let me explain that this link goes to an invite to some guy's yacht for wine tasting. Let me understand this. You want me (a darling young and vibrant 36 year old) to go to Newport Beach and board a yacht with you (a 53 year old bagel shop owner) because you say I should trust you. Do you want me to bring the rope and heavy weight that you will use to tie me up and throw me overboard too? I might as well. Why make your life more difficult? Let me make it as easy as possible for you to make me disappear off the face of the planet. Don't worry. It isn't clear if you want me to pay the $25 it costs to sail out on your "friends" yacht and to my own demise. I got it. $25 is a bargain for wine and death.

Although I do like bagels. I wouldn't mind dating a bagel mogul. Crap. Now I'm thinking I made a mistake. Bagels are delicious.