Sounds Good To Me

LinkedIn is a professional website that allows you to post your resume and network with colleagues. It's a classy Facebook. One of things you can do on the site is ask those who have worked with you to write you a recommendation. Today I received a request from a co-worker for just that. After writing one for her (it was easy --- she rocks) she sent met he following "fake" recommendation

"WENDY...

Is dynamite! She’s tall and makes herself even taller with those heels! She has a great sense of humor, and has an awesome dog (too bad I’m allergic to animals). She always has her best critical eye open (“Boy, that is a lot of blueberries!”). She’s got spunk, and you would be extremely lucky to know her. Best of all, she is on top of her sh*t!"

I LOVE IT. I told her I'm adding it to the end of my resume so people know what they are getting.

One of her lines from her real recommendation (the one she wrote that I could post on the networking site) had me in stitches too ...
"She continually drives the company forward with productive criticism."

Me? Critical? Really? Ha! I love that line! I'm adding it to the top of my resume. Screw it. I'm having this lady re-write my resume from top to bottom!

What the Hell is Wrong With You People?

First of all read the last two posts before diving into this one.

Pickins' were so slim today on my matches I almost passed through one guy without reading his entire profile. You know I rarely read the entire profile. I don't know what caused me to scan further down but here is what I found ...

"About His Religious Background: I have enjoyed learning about all Christian faiths by attending their services. I know that there is only one TRUE Church on the Earth today because the same church that was on the Earth when Jesus lived on Earth in the flesh has been Restored. LDS.

Education: Some college

A book, movie, concert or play that he's recently enjoyed: I Design my own magazine called "Where?" that I install into the seat pockets on my home made fake leer jet cabins 12 chairs maximum per restaurant. Serve guests sodas by a beautifull waitress/or. Please tip $6 per chair. She/He will keep drink full."

You do realize you sound crazy right? I'm totally convinced you are an alien tried to blend in here on earth and failing miserably at it.

Oh For the Love Of Your God!

First of all read the post below prior to diving into this one.

Now here is what the model says about his religious beliefs:

"my religious is good it ok by me, we do help the orphan the widow and so other peoples God use to takes control in our religious, so every thing about religious is quit all ok, so glory be God,"

Stereotypes Exist for a Reason

From one of today's Match's. This is how he describes himself ...

"i am a cool guy so nice to the col, i am a hair dressing also a model i can do all kind of hair style, i am looking for good looking girl a that can be so cool so good to every one,
a lady that can put me in a wright way that motivate my emotion, develop my potent, if i can find a lady like that i will
so happy "

You are a model? No. You don't say. I would have thought physisist.

Well Since You SAY I Can Be Safe With You ... I'm In!

There are certain online dating rules. You don't have to follow them but if you end of dead don't come crying to me. I've had problems just giving out my phone number prior to meeting on a first date (I won't do it anymore. I know that seems extreme but you try and manage the nonstop "hey what's up?" texts after midnight on the weekends when morons get drunk and start randomly texting people they have numbers for.) and you aren't going to know where I live until after the second date at a minimum (A rule I'm now rethinking to "never" knowing where I live .... I'll always meet you somewhere vs have you pick me up. I'm trying to be really nice to a poor soul who I stopped seeing back in Dec and yet continually texts and wants to call to try and get back together. It's over dude. Move on. BUT he knows where I live and I don't want to come home to Riggins painted with the words "bitch" on him. It's mean and not accurate as he is a male dog. HA HA HA HA ... THAT CRACKED ME UP! I'M SOOOOOOOO FUNNY.)

Now as you age you should be even more aware of these rules and the fact that others will want to follow them. Which makes this email I received on Friday from a 53 year old owner of a couple bagel stores even worse:

Are you spontaneous and game for a great time?

Are you spontaneous and game for a great time?
So I'm going to this tonight and I thought you might want to go with me.

*link to event*

I know it is last minute. You can check me out and feel safe with me.

Also there will be a ton of people.

I know we would have fun....

Let me know....

*name of a guy who obviously owns a couple bagel stores*

I took out the link to save Bagel guys identity so let me explain that this link goes to an invite to some guy's yacht for wine tasting. Let me understand this. You want me (a darling young and vibrant 36 year old) to go to Newport Beach and board a yacht with you (a 53 year old bagel shop owner) because you say I should trust you. Do you want me to bring the rope and heavy weight that you will use to tie me up and throw me overboard too? I might as well. Why make your life more difficult? Let me make it as easy as possible for you to make me disappear off the face of the planet. Don't worry. It isn't clear if you want me to pay the $25 it costs to sail out on your "friends" yacht and to my own demise. I got it. $25 is a bargain for wine and death.

Although I do like bagels. I wouldn't mind dating a bagel mogul. Crap. Now I'm thinking I made a mistake. Bagels are delicious.

So You Say

Lying about yourself on a dating website doesn't happen as much as you would think. After all what is the point? When you meet the person the gig is up. Still every once in awhile someone pops up that is obviously not being honest with himself. One of today's Chemistry.com matches for example.

His profile info:

His Appearance

About Daniel About His ideal match

• Age: 36
• Ethnic Background: Black or African American
• Height: 5'9"
• Body Type: About average
• Eye Color: Brown
• Hair Color: Black

His Lifestyle

• Smokes: Not at all
• Drinks: Every once in a while
• Income: $150,001 to $200,000
• Profession/ Occupation: Modelling

Now I have no way of telling for sure if he is lying but given that I can see his posted picture, and you can't, you can just take my word for it. The man in the picture is 50ish, hands in pocket of jeans, and as white as me. Soooo ... I'm thinking NOT 36, NOT African American, and (going out on a limb here) NOT a model.

Thanks for playing.

Does This Mean I'm One of Them ... Finally?

I've posted about my experience at The Bar Method before. That was a few months ago and I must tell you I haven't gotten any better at the exercise. It's horribly upsetting. HOW CAN YOU DO SOMETHING THAT MUCH AND NOT GET BETTER? I blame my complete lack of natural athletic ability. I don't get any better at my 5K's nor does climbing Runyon ever get any easier. It's just the way it is.

It's so sad. My teachers often look at me and shake their head and "tsk" in disgust (okay that is probably just all in my head since the teachers are the NICEST people on the planet and are always encouraging and positive). It doesn't help that I'm horribly inflexible and a natural klutz. Still I see results. My arms have started to gain definition (They better. Let me tell you I'm not doing those horrible reverse push ups because they are fun.) and my thighs and waist are toned up. I haven't lost weight but I force anyone around me to touch my thighs, calves, arms, abs, and if they are lucky, butt so they can feel for themselves that I'm not full of it ... that's muscle. In some horrible karmic joke that mother nature, God (or the Gods), and science has played on us muscle weighs more than fat. Yah ... doesn't make sense to me either.

My goal is to be one of "them." One of those beautifully fit and toned Bar ladies (and a couple men). Faux ballerinas (some are actually ex-ballerinas which makes the faux part a little easier for them) with 0% body fat and the ability to stand up straight without constant reminding. The Bar Method advertises lean tapered legs, core strength, reduced inches, great posture, sculpted arms and seat (aka butt), an overall body sculpting work out. The teachers I've had are all that and more. It's sickening. Seriously 90 lbs soaking wet (and there are a couple that wouldn't even hit that on the scale), not an inch of fat, and the flexibility of a circus freak. THAT'S MY GOAL!

Last night after leaving class a woman walking by asked if the classes where any good. I gave her my sales pitch and her response is, "Yeah. You all look so toned and have those great round asses." SHUT IT. DID SHE SAY "ALL OF US" AS IN ME TOO? I think she may have been blinded by the Bar uniform (black leggings, tank, sports bra, sweat) and confused me as one of them. I mean take a look at the picture above. Not bad (seriously all muscle --- touch it) but it isn't this (click). Not yet!

Still I'm going to pretend when I go to class tonight that I am one of "them!" I'm going to pretend that I won't have to re-set in the middle of thigh or I'll throw up. I'll be happy not ready to kill, when the instructor tells us we are doing something called "pretzel" for butt exercise. I'll rejoice in the fact that I can now touch my toes and if I work hard enough may actually use the bar for stretch vs. the stall bar (aka loser bar) --- (BTW this won't happen. Don't kid yourself. I'll never be flexible.)

I'm going to pretend I am one of them!

Do I Get A Stuffed Bear When I Hit 100?

Back on April 28th I had a blog posted titled, "All 254 Of You Can F Off." It outlined my philosophy of saying yes to anyone. Who knows what you will find. A philosophy not shared with others, well at least not with 254 males between the ages of 25-45 in the Los Angeles area.

On Match.com they have a "Daily 5." They choose 5 guys daily they feel you would like. I've discussed their lack of a scientific formula before. I'm pretty confident it includes a dartboard and some thumbnail pictures of everyone. I decided to throw caution to the wind and just "okay" everyone on today's list without looking at them. Why not? They aren't going to respond anyway. Honestly take a look at those stats.

My "You're Interested" number is 99 (add that to the 254 Chemistry and that number goes from pathetic to just plan ol' sad). Soooo close to 100 .... sooo close ... just one more .... Of those 99 that I've "shown interest in", meaning they get an email that says "hey Wendy is interest in you (picture included)" only 1. ONE has responded. ONE. ONE OUT OF 99. BTW that was the guy in alien territory that I wrote about yesterday. ONE POSSIBLE ALIEN DUDE OUT OF 99.

And if you are wondering about those 8 chaps interested in me. Based on the pictures (although not all 8 have pictures) and profiles I'm pretty confident that it is actually just part of the US top 10 wanted list.

Tomorrow I'll hit 100. I demand Match.com send me a stuffed bear for me efforts.

Guess Who Is Five?

Happy Birthday Riggins!

Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

There is this nice guy on Match.com that keeps emailing me. You know my theory on email ... it's useless. You have to meet. I have maxed out on my back and forth chit chat and was going to ask him to meet for drinks.

First I had to look where he lived. I've never heard of Rosamond, CA so looked it up. (See map.)

IT'S ALIEN TERRITORY PEOPLE. ALIEN TERRITORY. I mean ignore that it is on a military base (which means if I'd lived there I'd probably get along with no one and be given some sort of scarlet rebel sign to wear so they could easily identify me ... not that I'm against the military. I'm not at all. Thank whatever god you believe in that these people exist. I'm just not one of them. I don't do well being bossed around and I'm HORRIBLE at mindlessly doing what I'm told. Again not that, that is a bad trait, I just don't react well to it. Let's call it a personality clash. On the other hand I'm BRILLIANT at bossing people around. Is there a way to join the military and skip everything and just become the boss?), ignore the fact that the nearest Target is most likely hours vs. miles away, ignore the fact that it is practically an overnight weekend trip to any actual "city", it's ALIEN TERRITORY PEOPLE.

Would it be considered insane if in my next correspondence I wrote, "I'm sorry to stop this before it begins but I'm too afraid of being abducted to date you." Does that sound crazy?

(I can't figure out how I started underlining this post ... please ignore.)

Tarzan? Is That You?

One of today's "match's".

His headline -
"HOPEFULLY I CAN FIND NICE WOMEN IN HERE IM GONNA LOVE TAKE CARE HER AS LONG AS WE LIVE"

More about him in his own words -
"IM A NICE PERSON RESPECT CARE LOVE SHARE
HELP OUT I LOVE FISH AND CHICKEN AND ALL SEAFOOD I LOVE SPORT ,BASKETBALL,FOOTBALL RUGBY VOLLEYBALL ,MY PARTNER WHATEVER SHE WANT IM OKAY WITH THAT WE CAN DO EVERTHING ON FREE TIME GOING OUT "

Be Prepared. It's a Good Motto For a Reason.

Riggins and I hike every weekend. If we are heading out with friends we will try one of the hikes in the Los Angeles mountains where I can be yelled at by fellow hikers for not keeping Riggins on leash (they are right ... legally I should have him on leash ... but come one who is he hurting?). If we don't have a buddy we head to Runyon which is not only a legal off leash dog park it is also well traveled so the chance of being lost without help is slim to none. Although once I did lose my footing and slide down the side of the cliff (my butt is still deformed from the fall --- really) and no one gave a flying rat's ass. Well one nice gay mans stopped but given the fact that a zillion 1/2 people passed me it was like no one stopped. I ended that hike in tears with one of the guys from MadTV starring at me like I was a freak.

If you know Runyon Riggins and I usually go down the paved road and up the spine with a final little push up hill to the top lookout. If we are feeling good, have time, and it isn't the temperature of the sun we will go up to the top of the spine, turn around and go down it and then up the stairs. The spine isn't easy. I almost killed my friend from NY on that part of the hill and at one point actually thought I'd have to get a helicopter to rescue her. There are fewer people on the spine because it is difficult but what is the point of going out there and exercising if you aren't working out.

Which gets me to my point in this post. Runyon isn't just a work out location but a place to be seen. I've passed a guy once that had a giant sign over him that said, "actor. hire me." I called him a tool under my breath (although like most things I whisper others heard me ... luckily the tool didn't). I don't go to be seen. I'm "suited up" for hill battle. Notice the picture above. Tank top, sports bra, shorts, hiking shoes, hat, ugly ass action sunglasses. Riggins has his bell on (to give the little critters a head start before he attempts to catch and eat them) and his cooling jacket (all black dog = hot). On top of that, depending on the hill size and hiking duration, I'll have my fanny pack or backpack loaded with enough water to hydrate a small village and snacks. Riggins, Martha & I once got stuck coming down from an extra long hike and ran out of water. It was horrible. I felt like a bad mommy and a horrible person and on top of that had a dehydration headache for the rest of the day. Never again.

At Runyon we are not the rule. Here are the things that highlight you as someone who doesn't want to sweat as much as be seen:

* Wearing jeans. This baffles me. You can't work out wearing jeans. Period. End of discussion.
* Wearing heels and/or flip flops. Really? Just stop it.
* Wearing a tube top. Very few women can pull this off and those who do it can't. Tanning causes skin cancer. Slap on some SPF and hoist those things into a sports bra. (I saw a woman once who had her shirt, no bra, off and hung around her neck barely covering her goods ... )
* Holding and/or drinking a Starbuck's coffee cup. One day your heart will stop due to drinking large amounts of hot caffeine on a giant hill. I have to say I'm not going to help. Serves you right.

People I respect on the hill:
* Those using any kind of weights on any path. I can barely push my own body weight up that hill. Bravo to you in the weight jackets.
* People running up the spine. I've only seen this down by 3 people and 2 were my friends young and very athletic daughters. The other was the fittest man I've ever seen in my life ... EVER.
* Those who ask me why Riggins has a bell vs. being snobby and suggesting he doesn't like it. Back off with your judgement people. Bell=hill. He's fine with it and I'm cool with him NOT snacking on rodents.
* People who say "hi" as you pass. I realize this is common trail courtesy in most places but Runyon is an extension of Hollywood where snobby sometimes rules. It takes real guts to say "hi". I've been snubbed by many a star. I stopped watching Pushing Daisies because the lead refused to say hi when he passed me on the hill. Well that and his show was bad.
* People who sweat as much as me!

So come on people. Use the hill for what it is there for ... exercise. Be seen down on flatland at the clubs.

Are You Sure You are Using the Word Humble Correctly?

From one of today's "match's":

"I am a humble attractive man looking for the woman of my dreams. I am kind, good natured, and a hard worker.... I am Athletic and enjoy all outdoor activities. I am confident, determined, patient, a go getter and goal oriented. I am like a fine wine, good to the last drop."

It's in the dictionary between humanoid and humbug.

I Do Heart In Plain Sight

Notice something odd about some of today's Match.com suggestions? Location, location, location. Apparently I'm supposed to be in a different state if I want to find a "soul mate" (I only used those words to piss off Martha). Bummer summer.

Although I do adore Marshall from In Plain Sight. Can Match.com guarantee that these guys are as adorable, cute, witty, funny, intelligent, and employed as this fake TV character (the show takes place in Albuquerque in case you have never seen it and can't follow my logic)? If so then I'M IN! Pack our bags Riggins we are heading East!

Wait a second .... it snows in Albuquerque NM. I know this because my loyal family took a trip down to Santa Fe (through Albuquerque) to visit my soon to be college, The College of Santa Fe. Well soon to be until I froze my butt off and did an about face back to sunny California and well temperatured Whittier College.

Fool me once New Mexico .... Fool me once!

Crazy with a Side of Crazy

I'm going to a friends wedding this weekend. I heart weddings. Well, truthfully I like any social event where I get to dress up, drink, and dance. I SUPER HEART DANCING. My fingers are crossed there is dancing at this wedding. FINGERS CROSSED!

In honor of my friends important day I decided to upgrade my traditional black toe nail polish for something classier, girlie, and a bit more traditional. Today at lunch I strolled over to the nail place next door to my work and ordered the Express Pedicure. After what seemed like HOURS of looking at polish colors this picture highlights my brilliant choice. That's right. Navy blue. That was my big jump from black. My more traditional and girlie option. What a freak! Really how different is navy blue from black? It's no pastel pink I'll tell you that.

This picture also highlights another crazy pre-someone else's wedding moment I had. For weeks now I've been freakin' out about what to wear. A girl wants to look cute after all! My shopping excursions were busts so I was stuck with something from my closet. I live alone and fill up three closets so believe me there is plenty to choose from ... if one was not crazy. I immediately thumbed down the little frock that I wore to work today telling myself it is too "matronly" (I just looked up that word since I wasn't sure how to spell it--how it sounded seemed too easy. One of the definitions of "matron" - 2 : a female animal kept for breeding --- nice.). Now notice the length of that very clingy skirt. It's hitting INCHES ALMOST FEET above my knees. In fact every time I go to the bathroom (Which is a lot. Seriously I pee a lot. ) I laugh at how ridiculous I was to call this tiny little summer dress "matronly". Once I even laughed out loud which added to the crazy moment. Nothing says "totally with it" like a woman looking at herself in a bathroom mirror laughing it up. This realization, that I wasn't in my right mind when choosing clothes for this weekend, makes me question the whore-ness of the outfits in my suitcase. SERIOUSLY IF I THOUGHT THIS WAS MATRONLY WHAT DID I PACK?

Crazy with a side of super crazy.

Mabe Not

I was going to blog today how my annual check up at the gynecologist this morning made me wonder why everyone doesn't use Seasonique as their birth control pill of choice (4 periods a year --- total no brainer) and how I really wish I was rich so I could afford a Dyson vacuum (my dr's office is next door to the Bev Center which means I window shop at Bed Bath and Beyond on my walk from the car to the office) but then I got a winner of a match on Chemistry.com that could not be ignored so all other blog ideas flew out the window.

I feel somewhat bad poking fun at the guy since he is obviously way below average in intelligence. I cut him some slack and didn't include a picture from his page nor will I cut and paste what he wrote about himself. I will say the following:

* Per the site we have nothing in common. Again I wonder how I was matched up with him and how he manages to live with no interests at all. I clicked on almost all of them so it takes a dedicated couch potato to have zero interests in common with me.

* He spelled Maybe - "mabe"

* He spelled Riding - "rideung"

* I don't think either of the above are known to him as typos. Based on the rest of his profile and pictures I am pretty confident that he pronounces these words the way he spells them. As in "Mabe a good time can be had rideung my four wheeler around the parking lot."

Mabe not.

Can You Define "Hard"?

The above headline is from one of my Chemistry.com matches today. Spelling and grammar aren't the guys strengths. Okay. I had to read more to better understand what he means by "hard".

The ENTIRE rest of his profile says ....
"im very hard worker person i,m loking for real mature persongood guy ,very resonsibel ,thinks fast , knows what rong and right , loveing,careing and helpful person ,very mature,hard workergood guy ,very resonsibel ,thinks fast , knows what rong and right , loveing,careing and helpful person ,very mature,hard workergood guy ,very resonsibel ,thinks fast , knows what rong and right , loveing,careing and helpful person ,very mature,hard worker"

Apparently being a "hard workergood guy" means you have the ability to cut and paste but not spell check.