Philly Smells

I can't believe I forgot to post about Martha leaving lovely So. Cal. I must have been stricken with grief. It's the only answer.

Martha is off to Philly to take on the art world there. She has a few years of teaching and learning and then she says she is coming back. I hope the closeness to her family doesn't seduce her into staying. Her nephews are cute little guys so it could happen!

Have fun and good luck Martha. Riggins (pictured as a baby in Martha's lap) will miss you as will I!

Nothing Like An Emergency To Bring Out The A**holes

Since Wed. the "Station Fire" has burned up over 35,000 acres in the Los Angeles National Forest. I can see the flames now and then from my front yard. As I type the fire threatens the towers on Mt. Wilson which transmit all radio/tv for LA. About 1/2 hour ago it was confirmed that two firemen have died in their attempt to stop the flames. Today I went to the Pasadena Humane Society to drop of towels, food & $ for the animals whose human families are in shelters that they can't hang out in. All in all, TRAGIC.

One of the buildings threatened, more so at the beginning of the fire, was/is JPL. I took the picture you see when I tired to go swimming at the Rose Bowl on Friday night but was turned away due to LARGE FLAMES. JPL is between the Rose Bowl and the flames you see. Not good. Burning down of JPL would be horrible.

Side note. I want to work at JPL. I really do. I think it would be so much fun and crazy exciting. That being said most jobs are for physicists and others who have crazy levels of schooling.

So I ask you ... who hired the dipshit? I want to know. I want to know who was the hiring manager who that it was okay to hire the asshat. On Facebook JPL, who I follow on that and Twitter because I'm a loyal fan, posted a number of scary flame pictures. Many people commented, in general, wishing everyone well. Except Mr. Douchebag who wrote, "NO WORK TOMORROW, WOO HOO!!". Despite his employment at the oh so famous JPL, he is too f*ing dumb to hide his profile so I found out he is a Financial Analyst for JPL. So not a scientist ... but still ... this guy got hired there? I'm horrified on behalf of NASA. Here was my response for all to see, "Did you just really "woo hoo" a major fire that took the lives of two firemen along with displacing numerous families from their homes? Really? THAT event just happens to keep you from working 8 hrs caused a "woo hoo"? I'm sure those whose lives are changed forever because of the horrible event tip their hats to you." I hope he responds. I'm ready for a fight and can't wait to take on this arrogant asshat nerd want-to-be behind the safety of my computer. Bring it chump.

The Rigendy

If Riggins and I were one.
Thanks to http://www.bwff.com/

Why the Mass Exodus?

I had lunch today with my good friend HC (remember names changed to protect the innocent). She is off on a new life adventure. I'm slightly jealous and slightly sad to see her leave sunny LA but I wish her and her fiance all the best! Rock that other coast HC!

** BTW I'm not okay that I'll be saying this same thing in a few days about another friend. Why the mass exodus? Is there a meteor headed this way and no one wants to tell me? **

I'm Busy Writing "FRIEND" in Glow Tape on my Roof

Here's my thought ... they are coming. I think all the signs are here. Alien life is seconds from crash landing on our little planet and I'm doing everything I can to let them know I'm "friend not food".

My love for Star Trek along with other alien media can be a bit confusing but those who know me understand I'm not afraid of Worf (in fact he's cute out of make up ---http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Dorn) but the REAL aliens (finding the link to that has caused me to start hyperventilating). You know what I mean. The oval head, big eyed, orifice probing freaky mean ol' aliens. Like Fire in the Sky aliens. AAAAAH. I will now not be able to sleep just because I said that movie title out loud. I wish I was kidding. Whoever added the "based on a true story" to that movie should be drug into the desert by his toenails and left for dead.

This summer there have been more signs to what the real aliens look like and I'm not going to lie. I'm not happy. Based on District 9, Avatar, and Old Man's War (okay that is a book that has been out for awhile but I just read it so totally counts) the big eyes are still in. NOT OKAY. BIG FREAK SOUL STEALING EYES ARE NOT COOL (The Old Man's War aliens aren't so much aliens and have cat eyes but since it is a book not a movie I'm going with the visual in my head). I'm going to throw out the cockroach look of the District 9 aliens because let's face it , that's just silly. BUT based on my other two media sources, and why would they lie, aliens will have freaky colored skin. Blue, green, what does it matter. It isn't flesh colored and that creeps me out.

So in case it is time I have the following ready (all based on my media based research):

*bag of Reeses Pieces (you never know)

*water (You bet 'cha I'm going to try it. First alien near me is getting a mug full of water just in case that works.)

*comfy traveling clothes and extra leash for Riggins in case we have to take a ride up, up, and away

*words to "Earth Girls Are Easy"

FRIEND NOT FOOD

"Note to self: Be rich one day." - Psych

I can't believe I didn't get hundreds upon hundreds of emails asking how I did conquering my Las Vegas goals. One was completed. That's 33.33% which I'm going to pretend isn't bad. You guess which one. (Hint: I'm not dead from high blood pressure.)

Vegas Goals

Short term goals are good for you. AL, MC, LR, Sparkly Friend, and me are heading off to Vegas for the weekend! Here are my Vegas goals (in no particular order):

* Find and marry a super rich dude. Not just rich ... super rich. Preferably married by an Elvis impersonator with AL, MC, LR and Sparkly Friend in show girl costumes as witnesses. Really, just for the pictures.

* Remember to take my blood pressure medication. This is actually a very important goal that I'm somewhat worried about. I've enlisted the travel crew to help remind me ... Serious goal! Serious enough to write down and post!

* (What I see as the most attainable goal.) Snap a shot of Sparkly Friend and me on Southwest on the way to the City of Sin, tweet, and be re tweeted so that all Southwest followers are aware of how super duper cool our Abba "Dancing Queen" pink cowboy hats are!

VEGAS!!!

Sparkly friend would like me to share her Vegas goals with you.

* 10 PURPLE OUT! She's serious too. She got her fingernails painted purple and sparkly (of course) for good luck. 10 PURPLE OUT!!!

Damned if I do, Damned if I don't

I always have this dilemma. Do I or do I not give out my cell phone to an online date prior to meeting him. I've been burned both ways. If I don't he will be late or I will be late or after doing a once over on the dates profile I may decide I need stronger drink options (it happens) and therefore need to move the meeting location. No phone number? Totally out of luck.

But if I do give out the number then I get texts like this:

"How are you? (Name Blocked to protect the Innocent)"

WHO ARE YOU? SERIOUSLY? WHO ARE YOU? I have no idea and I'll have to go through 3 different sites to try and match up name and number to get even the faintest idea who you are. I need more info like "we met through Match.com and had a drink at The Griffin". At least then I can narrow you down to a handful of folks.

Sigh. Being me is so hard.

Update:
Okay I think I've figured out who this guy is. Maybe. Originally I thought it was "Texty-Text" who got his nickname due to the crazy number of texts/vm he left prior to our first date. Now I think it is some guy WHO I NEVER MET AND WHO NEVER GAVE ME HIS PHONE NUMBER. How, on God's green earth, do you expect me to know who you are with the only clue being a name 10% of the male population of the US has (I made that stat up but it sounds about right)? AND he said "Ok Hon" in a correspondence with me which was like a pebble being dropped in a pond. If the pebble was that statement and the pond was my friends and the ripples were of hate and annoyance. Still I think I'll text him back because he looks like Right Said Fred in his pictures and that just makes me giggle.

Wendy's Rules for Online Dating

So last night's date went "okay". 90% of the time that is my take. That is why I have a new-ish rule. EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND DATE. I've had to force this rule on myself. I'm not overly happy about it but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Very few people are good at dating and that "creepy" vibe you get could just be first date nerves. I went out on a date with a guy recently that giggled through the entire thing. Seriously. Like a little girl. Giggle giggle giggle. I have to assume that isn't his actual personality but jitters finding their way out.

There are two exceptions to this rule:
* The guy is a liar liar pants on fire (aka he says he is 30 and his pictures show him as a male model in cowboy gear only to find out he is closer to 45 and his modeling days are far behind him --- don't laugh ---- it's happened --- to me) or possible stalker/killer.
* He is a perfectly nice guy but the thought of kissing him makes me gag.

Honestly this new rule hasn't really been put into play yet. If my response to a date is "that was okay" I usually leave it up to him. If he asks me out again I'll go. If he doesn't I won't. Even though the last 3 (but whose counting) dates I've responded with, "yes, that would be great" to the "can I give you a call" question no one has actually given me a call. Now you may read this as I'm a bad first date. Impossible I tell you. I am so charming it would knock your socks off. So here is my take .... if I don't jump them wrapping my legs and arms around them and covering them with kisses they are too chicken shit to ask someone out. Man up boys. Let's see what you are made of.

Last nights date threw me a curve ball. Here is how he ended the night, "well, I'll leave this up to you. You have my phone number. If you want to go out again give me a call." TOUCHE MY FRIEND. I don't like it. Kinda pisses me off. BUT T O U C H E!

Lessons in Online Dating Rules

(I'm assuming this will be an ongoing posting theme so let me set the rules. These are my rules. Now I realize I am actually much less crazy than most single females. Therefore, what works for me may not work for some of those other "ladies" online dating. In fact I have a friend that is also on this particular site and would suggest some of my rules aren't true. For the sake of this blog let's just assume I'm right and she is wrong.)

For this lesson we will look deep into my email archives to earlier this morning for an example of what not to say in an intro email and then I will illustrate the correct way to write one.

WRONG WAY:

The 2nd pic with you & your doggy is precious:)

And the 3rd pic of you is so sexy that...Well, it's just plain beyond cruel!
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and have a good cry now...

Wendy's notes: Okay. I realize this one doesn't seem too bad on the surface but let's break it down.

1. Gross. That's right you heard me. Gross. I realize you think calling someone "sexy" is a compliment but don't you think you went a little overboard? I mean the visual of what you are doing right now is not okay. It doesn't help that...

2. Your pictures are insulting. Really if I wanted to possibly get fired from my job I would have stayed on the site long enough to report them. I don't need to see a full nudie shot of you that leaves very little to my imagination and I CERTAINLY don't need to see what your bare butt looks like peeking out of some sheets. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? You are 47 for gods sake. Grow up. (By the way the fact that you are 12 years older than me also adds to the gross factor of your statement.)

3. Why are you crying? Are you upset that you are not that bright?

4. How do you expect me to respond to this?

(Although he is correct Riggins and I are adorable!)

CORRECT WAY:

Hi I just read your profile and would love to meet up sometime this week for drinks. When would you be available?

That's it. Clean. Neat. To the point. Not insulting. No need for the non-stop back and forth emails without meeting. Done and done. BTW this totally won't work if you have a picture of your nudie butt up. Nothing can help that person.

Alert the Paparazzi

Announcement --- I just alerted my mom and dad to my groundbreaking blog. My loyal readers has doubled in size since we last spoke.

(I promise to make this the last announcement when new readers join since at this point it's just a snowball of followers that I can't possible keep track of.)

All This & Craft Skills Too!

Over the past month I've managed to pull out my sewing machine not once .... but (wait for it) ... twice. That's right. I'm a craft making machine! I'll start this story with the not so successful blanket -

When my nephew (the adorable Logan) was born I did my auntly duty (I swear I almost spelled that doodie and just had to pause my blogging for the laughter to stop) and hand sewed him a blanket. When sweet little Kira (my niece) was born I was a little behind but she just turned 2 months old so I figure I haven't completely failed. Sadly her blanket (in the picture being modeled by Riggins) is a bit of a disaster. Don't let blankets fool you. It's their simplicity that sucks you in. You think, I don't have to pin this .... it's a freakin' blanket. Next thing you know your on hour 4 of the Didn't Know I Was Pregnant marathon on TLC (brilliant by the way) with a seam ripper in one hand and sweat dripping off your brow. But now it is finished (well almost ... I just found one more mistake that I have to fix before Friday.)! Yah!

The more successful project was for my highly talented fake nephew's (aka sparkly common friend's son) birthday. He is in the picture modeling his very personalized super hero cape.

2 projects and the score is Failure = 1 Success = 1. Neck in neck ....

I'm a star!

Watch out ---- I just alerted Martha and the mysterious unnamed "common friend" that they are featured in my first blog post ever! MY READERSHIP IS ABOUT TO GROW BY 200%! Woo hooo!!!!

Sowwry

Just "published" my first blog posting and it is the LONGEST BLOG POSTING OF ALL TIME. Sorry about that. I'll have to learn to get to the point faster.

Who, What, When, Why & Where

Why a blog you ask? Who would read this silliness?

Well the answer to that second question is no one. I haven't told anyone I'm doing this so right now it's just literally "Me, Myself, & Riggins." I'll read it to him out loud every night so he is kept up to speed (I'm only 1/2 kidding).

Why is a loaded question. Why not? I constantly have thoughts and Riggins is a good sounding board to a point but I feel like I could get more from a bigger audience base (I realize this doesn't make sense with the 0 follower fact).

Here is the reason that pushed me over the edge:

One evening last week my good friend Martha came over to hang and drink wine. As always our discussion covered everything from the brilliance of Toddlers and Tiaras to the excitement of her going to grad school. AS ALWAYS the conversation turned back to my overly exciting dating life (something I'm sure will fill many of my blog posts). As an avid online dater in LA I make it a point to give my "killing information" to a friend prior to meeting someone and check in after to alert them of my safety. So for all you men out there reading my profile on one of those dating sites be warned ... if you kill me you will be hunted down. She had mentioned how I hadn't given her killing info for my last date and I shared that one of our good friends had read about a guy who stalked women online and rapped and killed them on their date (I may be making part of that up but you get the point). For that reason our common friend demanded I give her the killing info and handing it over to more than one person seemed like overkill (no pun intended). Here is how the rest of the conversation played out (this is from memory so it is possible these exact words were not said ... ):
Martha: That's really scary.
Wendy: Well you are supposed to decide ahead of time if you are going to fight or not, if attacked. When it happens it is all too fast and if you are going to fight it has to be instinct. I'm going to fight.
Martha: Of course you are.
Wendy: That mo'fo (although I'm sure I actually used the full curse words. I was, after all, a couple glasses of wine in by this point.) isn't going to know what hit him. He'll be sorry he ever laid eyes on me. Seriously just look for the guy bleeding in pain as he stumbles around with his eyes poked out.
Martha: (heavy sigh)
Wendy: (With a grin that is rarely seen other then on a small child at Christmas time) I can't wait!
Martha: Please get therapy.

My response was wild laughter. You see my brilliant friend Martha is right. I do need therapy. I realize that. I admit it. I'm still not going to get it. That would require WAY too much effort on my part. I can't even imagine trying to carve out 2 hrs / week to sit in someones office and glare at them meanly (which is what I would do. Freakin' head shrinkers.). Not to mention my insurance is crap and if my insurance appointed primary care physician is an example of the scholastic genius available I'm sure I'll end up laying in a pool of my own vomit from an od of Valium.

So here you go. This is my therapy without actually going to therapy. Enjoy!

(BTW names have been changed to protect the innocent and stupid. Except Riggins and Martha. I thought of the whole "change the name" thing after I wrote this and since I called her brilliant I think it's all good.)